The madness of existing in two worlds.
Anyone else going mad? Why do I feel so lonely in my madness? Anyone else feel like they’re constantly living with their skin inside out, that they are raw, that they can’t filter out the noise and feel the world in their bones. Anyone else feeling Weltschmerz, day in, day out. Anyone else doesn’t know sleep anymore, anyone else’s heart has stretch marks from grieving? Anyone else carrying an invisible pain, anyone else going quiet in a room full of talkers because they can’t understand what that world is talking about. Anyone else see right through the talk when it’s just that: talk. Anyone else doesn’t know nor believe in ‘balance’ anymore? Anyone else doesn’t know how to “hold both” anymore because both means “nothing at all.” Anyone else living with skin so thin that they can’t help but be angry bitches?
I feel like I see two worlds before me and I am going mad:
In one world, people obtrusively insist on promoting a cotton candy version of reality where you protect your peace and prioritise your ease and chase the soft life and get your bag and manifest the life of your dreams and create your own reality. In this world they cite their own life as proof that it works: failing to mention that the reason why it worked for them is always some sort of privilege they have. Any kind, pick one - one privilege could be enough to change your life, propel you further, whether that's pretty privilege, racial privilege, class privilege, gender privilege - whether that's the privilege of not having to earn money, not having to pay for certain things, or the privilege of opening doors through your face card, your gender card, your credit card or who you are connected to and who you know. In this world, people fail to see and acknowledge that there are so many reasons for why they have what they have. And none of those reasons are "magic" or where created solely by them. In this world, the people remind me of when children cover their ears with their hands and just go “LALALALALALALA” I don’t hear you. I don’t want to hear you. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to know.
In this world, that’s what people want you to be: OKAY. They want you to be ok. YOU are all that matters. YOU have to be okay. Please be OKAY and don’t make me uncomfortable with your not-okayness. If YOU are okay, everyone else will be too. Things will fall into place, just be OKAY.
And then there's the other world where people are SCREAMING, trying to wake everyone up. Fighting to save their kin, their communities and neighbours. In this world people don’t just talk about new ways, they don’t just imagine and dream - they act. They put their money where their mouth is, their body on the line, their income, their jobs, they choose to be inconvenienced again and again: every time they have new information and knowledge, they adjust their sails. They won’t sweet talk or compromise just because it might get them somewhere. In this world people don’t turn away from the pain, they don’t ignore the call. They take the call personally. In this world, people are aware and honest about their privileges and they use them for others. They spent their privilege coins on the collective, not just their own ease and dreams. The people of this world have bigger dreams, dreams that go beyond themselves:
They want freedom, joy and ease for all. And they know that pursuing those for themselves won't change things collectively. In the other world, we know that the “I” being okay is not enough. Whatever individual resistance you think you’re doing by taking a nap, isn’t going to cut it. Resistance and revolution happen in collective action towards a common goal.
There is a “third” place.
The in-between, where people tell you to hold both. Where people try to hold both, but from where I stand, not very successfully. The people who '“hold both” are really swinging more to one side, they just don’t want to admit it. Not too long ago I was one of them. In practicality, in some areas of my life, I still am. Fooling myself by thinking I can or just ‘have’ to do both. When truthfully, I don’t have to and I don’t need it. My heart knows this heavily. I can’t split myself in two parts, ignore it and live as if I am ok. As if the world is ok.
I used to say and believe that we do exist in both worlds and that’s just that. “We have to hold both.” I am increasingly moving away from that belief. Life often exists in the grey. Of course. And this is also true: There are times when grey isn’t good enough. Times when we do require a compass. When all we see is grey, we can’t adjust our compass. I don’t think it’s possible to truly hold both and be ok.
”Holding both” for many people means they can still shop wherever they want to shop, it means they won’t inconvenience themselves with boycotting or putting their time and body on the line; “holding both” means, saying they want change with their mouth, but not change anything about their actions. ”Holding both” for most people means continuing to do what they want, when they want it, how they want it and making excuses for it. Dubai, Red carpets, Tesla, Starbucks, Designer, Let’s-move-to-a-”nicer”-area-honey, Amazon…who cares, as long as I AM OKAY.
”Holding both” means being split in two and never really moving the needle for the collective. “Holding both” means having no skin in the game, never getting uncomfortable. ”Holding both” for most people is just synonym for “Champagne socialist”. I have always felt like in trying to “holding both” we are really just benefitting the wrong crowd.
I have not done more for the collective in my okay-ness then I have done when I am not ok. Action comes from dissatisfaction, not from comfort.
Can we truly hold both and make a significant change? What is the ‘both’ we are holding, really?
I can’t help but think that truly holding both, meaning, being fully awake to both worlds will move you into radical territory. If it isn’t, I am not sure we are actually ‘holding both’ but rather disconnecting as and when we need to be comfortable.
The more I have tried to ‘hold both’ in the past, the more I have realised how ridiculous that was. How hypocritical I felt. The more I have tried to ‘hold both’ the more radical I had to become.
It boggles my mind that there are therapists out there teaching their clients how to ‘face their shadow’ whilst ignoring the shadow of the world. Your ugliness is the worlds ugliness. Everything is connected. You can’t turn away from the world and ‘be ok’.
There was a time when I was in awe of entrepreneurs, of wealth, of people who 'built empires' and had 'made it'. I come from a poverty background. I remember more than once overhearing my parents asking someone on the other end of the phone for money to fill up the car and the fridge.
I am, in many ways the embodiment of a stereotypical story: first born immigrant daughter who for the biggest part of her life chased what she did not have growing up: Wealth. Money. And the safety that comes with it. And for a while it worked. Until it didn’t.
I don't know how to tell you this but you're not safe. If you think you're ok in your ivory tower, that your money or status will keep you safe , they won't. They might keep you safer for a bit longer than others, but eventually, your end will come too. What you've been raised to believe will make a good life, won't do any longer.
What they do in Palestine, in Congo, they will do and are already doing in other places too. Because everything is connected. You are connected to everything and everyone. ICE agents who are abducting people all over the US were trained by the IOF in exchange programmes. If you care about climate change and the world left behind for your children, know that Israel’s bombs in the first few months of the genocide have released more carbon than 26 countries combined. This was in 2023. It’s obviously even worse now. You should know that ChatGPT is exploiting workers in Kenya who have to monitor traumatising, racist content for OpenAI, so that you don’t have to be affected by it. If you think the stuff close to home isn’t connected to global issues: our health care and education system is defunded because money goes to the military and the police instead of being poured into community. Still think what happens far away doesn’t concern you? Nothing is a single issue. And if you show up for one people, you are showing up for all and they will show up for you.
Everything is connected. I don't know how to tell you this, but what is happening to Palestinians is happening to you as well. What is happening to Kenyans is happening to you as well. You will be next, it doesn't matter if you can keep yourself a little safer for a little longer. Your turn will come.
What if it’s not: “If I am ok first, everyone else will be too” but it’s actually flipped: If everyone else is ok, you will be too. If everyone else is not ok, you won’t be either. If your resistance isn’t helping the collective, you're not helping yourself either in the long run.
If you're freedom comes at the expense of others it's not freedom, it’s privilege. If someone else is paying for your joy, if someone else is paying the price for your ease, you're not really free. You have a narrow type of privilege and I'm tired of people pretending otherwise.
All this to say: I feel like I am going mad. Like really and truly mad in my head. Don’t tell me to be ok, to be zen, to breathe and to accept. I don’t see how there can be a different human response to witnessing these two worlds other than going mad. How?
All this to say: I can’t see a way to not be a Radical. I am sorry, I just can’t. How can I witness these two worlds and be grey, lukewarm and feeble? All this to say: I am going mad and I see no way out of it. All this to say: that is ok.
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Thank you for this. You put it into the words that most of us can’t find right now
"Your ugliness is the worlds ugliness. Everything is connected." woah this article was powerful. I am always a fan of how you write, and how you share your personal story with such integrity.