The other day a man replied to my Instagram stories saying: “You’re such a clever girl!” And I wanted to throw up. Not only did it sound condescending, he also had no idea how old I am. Why would he assume he can attach the label of girlhood to me? Why is it so normal to refer to women as children?
Girl summer. Girl dinner. A book girlie. City girlie. Gorgeous girlie. Girly girl. I don’t even know how many girl hashtags exist because I don’t use TikTok.
What I know is that the word girlie makes my toes curl. The phrase girl-anything makes me eyes roll to the back of my head.
I would love to say ‘can we retire that word in relation to grown women?’ but everyone has different preferences and so I am just going to say: Do what you want in relation to yourself, but stop calling me girl(ie). I don’t like it. I can’t stand it. In fact, I hate it.
The only people I will tolerate being called girl by are my (female) friends. Everyone else please address me for what I am. A human. A woman. I have a name.
In movies, men and women who are the same age and play protagonists of the same generation, are often addressed as ‘man’ and ‘girl’. Never ‘boy’ and ‘woman’. Nobody would dream of calling a 30 year old or 40 year old man a BOY in a movie nor in real life. But we call women of the same age ‘girls’ with such ease, such normalcy. Especially women we do not know. Stop that. It’s one thing being called a girl by your friends - it feels very different coming from a stranger.
For one, I just hate pop culture trends and platitudes. If you know me, you know. I am so bored by seeing the same words used everywhere.
But there is more to this.
The world ‘girl’ is loaded with so much. I get it. And many people feel empowered by using it as a way of reclaiming it. I get that too. It might feel like innocent fun to others.
However I just don’t feel that way. I feel like the obsession with ‘girlie culture’ over emphasises youth, beauty standards - and especially when used by cis men I sense the worship of the young and innocent, a pedophilic kind of love that turns my stomach.
A man dating a woman that wasn’t even born when he was 25 feels pedophilic to me. Girlie makes me feel like there is nothing left to imagine beyond a certain age so we revert back to 'girlhood’.
Stop referring to grown women as girls. Stop infantilising women. It drives me up the wall. Not because I am such a staunch feminist - but because it simply feels icky and wrong deep in my fabric.
Girls don’t have pubic hair, girls are small and innocent. Girls are padded on the head. Girls are ‘good girls’ or ‘bad girls’. Girls are lanky and skinny or chubby and sweet and girls have to be pure. Someone calling me a girl makes me want to high five them in the face. With a chair.
Not because I don’t love my inner child, not because of my trauma - the opposite actually: I have integrated the child in me. I love little me and I protect her fiercely. Absolutely not everyone deserves access to her. Only people who I know are safe. Someone I don’t know calling me girl(ie) feels like an intrusion into a sacred space.
To you stranger, to you, man - I am not a girl.
Address me by my name.
I have earned every single one of my grey hairs, my lines, valleys and dimples. My life is mapped on my skin. And it’s not the skin of a little girl.
There is a girl inside of me, but I am not a girl.
This world will sexualise me no matter what. If it must do so, then sexualise me as a grown woman.
Don’t call me girlie.
Call me human, call me woman. Call me a fire. A flower. A forest. Call me a soul. Call me what I am: a collection of 39 year old bones, every single year earned, savouring the juice out of every bite of life, every lesson fought for, every experience deeply embodied. I like having pubic hair because I am not 10 years old and I like the marks on my legs, the depth of my voice, the lines carved around my eyes.
I know you want me to revert backwards, to age backwards, to age gracefully, to worship smooth skin, to idolise innocence and purity.
But I am deeply entrenched with life, with the dark and light. There is no going backwards. Only forward.
There is a girl inside of me. But I am not a girl.
I’m a 54 yo man…and I couldn’t agree with you more!! Obviously, I’m not a woman and wouldn’t pretend for a moment to understand completely the generalization or pigeonholing that grown women face, particularly accomplished or successful women. I believe that many men revert to such speak most likely out of a deep insecurity.
Growing old is an honor and a privilege!! And it is most certainly earned! What a great post, thank you for sharing and helping me to see a little more clearly.
This last paragraph gave me goosebumps. I loves this article and I agree with you on everything. Nobody calls them 'boys', why are we calling ourselves 'girlies' then? Even 'girlboss' gives me child wearing mom's shoes around the house vibes. I Can't. I started saying 'ladygirl' while I look for a better word but I haven't found one yet.
PS: i really like your articles, every time, and you're so cool!