Why do we still pedestal romantic love?

I believe romance should be a by-product of living within community, not the holy grail of relationships.

This story is shared anonymously but with permission:


My friend was dating a man for a couple of months over the summer. They met with him once a week, every week - until they had to go on a work trip which meant they would have to skip two weeks of seeing each other.
The day before going on said trip, my friend got up at 6 am, went on a 1 hour drive to squeeze in a 7 am walk with their date - just as not to miss out on two weeks of seeing their new love interest.

This behaviour fascinated me for multiple reasons. For one, I am just not someone that has ever elevated romantic partners into that important role they get to assigned in our society. So I question a lot of actions we take around said connections. Not because I don’t like big gestures of love - on the contrary - but because I don’t retain those exclusively for a partner. I spoil, love and nurture all my close relationships with the same energy. I am intrigued (and annoyed) by how far some people will go when they are driven by hormones and societal conditioning. But the biggest reason this behaviour made me think was that this same friend had not seen their best friend in months. They live about an hour apart. The fact that the prospect of romance makes us go above and beyond for someone we have known for five minutes - while our friends get the leftover space and not the same energy and effort - is something that never ceases to amaze me.
My friend and I had a really interesting conversation about this. They generously allowed me to share this event with you and ask a few questions.

All of us are indoctrinated with the belief that romantic relationships are at the top of the relationship hierarchy. Even if we won’t admit it out loud, whether we are aware of it or not, we all have that little voice inside of us that tells us ‘you are not complete, you are not done until you find them, you are not accomplished and you won’t be fully happy until you are coupled up’ We pine for it, often silently, because we feel embarrassed to admit how important it is for us to be ‘in the club’. We feel like something is missing, like we need to find that special someone to share life with. And once we do, we bend over backwards for them (no pun intended). When we get the boyfriend/girlfriend/partner update, we pour all of our energy into it.
There clearly is a hierarchy, even for the people who refuse to see it. And the aforementioned story is just one example of billions - I am sure you know many similar stories too.

If you’re new here:
Why? is my favourite question. Not only because my neurodivergent brain needs to understand everything thoroughly to the core but also because I love living with intention. I want to know people’s motives and what drives them, the same way I want to be clear and purposeful about my own.

It seems to me, if romance was the most valuable, the most important relationship, at the top of the hierarchy - why does it falter so easily? Why does it break with radio silence or distance - when at the same time we can go long stretches without seeing or talking to our (closest) friends?

How come we treat ‘the most important’ relationship in the pyramid as if it is the most fragile one? Shouldn’t it survive not speaking or seeing each other if it was so great? It reminds me of this quote by François de la Rochefoucauld:

“Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.”

Why the difference?

Over lunch with two friends the other week - one of which is married to a man - we were talking about the dynamic of living with a friend vs. a romantic partner. I was saying how I thank my friend for every little thing they do for me and vice versa. And my married friend remarked how interesting it is that it’s so different in a romantic relationship, because it’s expected that you do certain things. The expectation is higher. We don’t expect a friend to take out the trash. But she said she automatically expects it from her husband.

Why the difference?

I have friends who never take photos of me when we hang out, nor do they show photos of their friends online - but you better believe I have seen a bunch of photos of their new love interest online in no time. Which tells me they do understand the value of physical memories. Of witnessing. When it comes to someone they sleep with.

Why the difference?

I know most of it is good old conditioning. Patriarchy and Capitalism want us to prioritise the nuclear family set up because it means we’ll always produce new workers, care continues to be privatised and pushed onto one or two people in the family and we have to work more, earn more, spend more to make ends meet.

Some of it is just natural. Hormones. The lot. I will get into that a bit later.

So I have questions. Out of sincere curiosity. I hope you will gift me your answers because I am so so curious about what I might be missing and also so excited to meet more people with “new” ideas for community (which aren’t new, but just returning to our roots really), people who live lives away from the capitalist template.

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- Why do we still prioritise romantic love as the most important one when most friendships outlive them by a long shot?

- Why do we go ages without seeing or / and speaking to friends (it’s even something we are proud of!!!! “We can go months without talking and when we hang out again it’s like no time has passed!”) but make it a point to have a romantic date in the diary every week?

- We would never go weeks without seeing our partner right? How come we do that with friends? Because we have sex with them?

- Why is a relationship that’s so hyped by everyone so fragile and can’t withstand distance or silence?

- Why do we brush over conflict in our friendships, let things fester or even ghost our friends when we’re upset, when we wouldn’t do that to someone we’re dating?

- Why does our partner become our whole community and the number one go - to person? Why do we give them that role? Is that necessary?

- Why is it a given that we move in with a romantic partner at some point but not with friends?

- Why do we still reserve so many things for romantic relationships only instead of practicing them in our friendships?

- Why do the things we say we stand for have to go out the window when oxytocin is high? Is there another option?

- Why do we drive romantic relationships forward - but don’t do the same with friendships? (Meet the family, meet friends, joined holidays, moving in, reaching milestone after milestone together)

- Why is there a clear progression with romance that we don’t have with friendships?

Friendships ‘just are’, they exist. There is no end goal. Not so with romance.
There is a forward movement, however slow or fast - because there is an end goal: We want to do ‘life together’ - how come we don’t consider ‘doing life together’ for our friendships?

- Have you ever considered that you can actually build a life with a friend/friends?

- Why do we give up agency and go passive in romantic relationships?

- Why does our romantic partner get a priority spot in our diary?

- Why does the ring get a special social media announcement? Why do love interest get hard launches, soft launches, birthday posts - but our friends don’t? And why do those always get more attention than someone growing flowers in their garden?

- Do romantic partners deserve a special treatment just because we have sex with them?

- Why do some people go radio silent when they start dating someone and re-surface after the breakup?

- Why do we act against our word, against our beliefs once we are in a romantic relationship?

- Why do we save some things for a romantic partner when we could experience them with our friends?

- Why do we go on 7 am morning walks for a date but don’t speak to our friends for weeks?

- Why is it such a shocker when I say out loud that my partner isn’t the most important person in my life but one of the many amazing people that are part of my amazing community? Why is that such a radical thing to say?

- Why do we still want to be saved by the patriarchy?

Here’s one answer:
Because we are conditioned this way.
You might think this is ‘all just natural’ but it’s not. We’re brainwashed into treating romance as something more important - because that is what keeps Patriarchy and Capitalism going. Yes, here she goes again with the P and the C word. Don’t blame me. I didn’t invent them.

My issue isn't with romantic love per se. At all actually. None of these things are bad or wrong - my issue is with the fact that we reserve them for romantic love only. That we elevate it to a position above all others.

It's not the fact that we introduce our partner to our parents - it's the fact that we don't do that with friends too. It's not that we move in with our partner or make milestones together - it's the fact that we don't move friendships forward as well, that we don’t consider ‘ticking boxes’ with our friends.

It's the hierarchy of love that is my issue. You know I hate hierarchy in all walks of life. And I will always notice it and question it.

Friendship love is the least conditional kind of love. Nothing that forces you together. No DNA, no children, no mortgage, no sexual chemistry - it’s just pure love with no reasons for it other than you love the human they are and you love their company. You don’t get anything else from them and no external forces push you to stay together. Friendship is the purest love there is - and yet in the very real, unwritten hierarchy of love we still put it below romantic love.

Make it make sense.

When I make new friends I treat them how other people treat dates - I talk about how I do friendship and I ask them how they do it? What matters to them? How often do they like to talk? Meet? What’s important and what isn’t so much? I communicate that clearly because to me, there is no difference to romantic love. It’s love, period. And I value it highly. So highly that I approach it with intention. Most people find that strange. They don’t talk about these things in their friendships. They just wing it. In fact, you’re called a ‘high maintenance friend’ if you have needs, requests or ask for difficult conversations. Friendships are supposed to be easy. ‘Low maintenance friendships’ are the ones that are praised and appreciated. “I don’t have to see you, call you or show up - and you’re always still there for me” - that’s considered solid.

Sorry.
Not to me.

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We are all wired for connection. That’s not disputable. Falling in love is great, love the high.
But we are wired for COMMUNITY first and foremost.
Romantic love was never supposed to be the main character. Romantic love is supposed to be a part of community, not the center of it. A by-product of living within community, not the holy grail of relationships. Romantic love is also not a ‘reward’ for ‘doing the work’ and ‘healing’ (which is a whole other topic I have a draft on).
In many cultures in the world it works like this: romantic relationships revolve around wider communities - they are not at the center of it. “Family” doesn’t mean: man, woman, child. That is how Capitalism defines it. But family means something much bigger than that. We are robbed of our imagination of what family can be: so many of us cannot see a living setup beyond the template given to us.
We have it upside down:
Romance gets to be at the center of our lives - while other relationships have to revolve around them and have to adapt to the calendar that romance dictates. The partner is prioritised, everyone else comes after. They get first call, first spot in the diary. Everyone else gets fitted in around them. I believe this is not how we are meant to live (it’s totally ok if you disagree).

Not only is this lifestyle upholding of patriarchal structures - it’s also an isolating and exhausting way to live. Parents are some of the loneliest people in our society. (Google the stats!) And that’s by design: If you live in small units you need to work more, earn more and spend more. Having a family means your energy and resources are very focused, zoned in on your little bubble. It’s often excluding of others. And it keeps the family lonely too - but it keeps Capitalism going and creates new workers.

Romantic relationships that lead to a small and exclusive living setup are a tool of - you guessed it: Capitalism and Patriarchy. When you put your energy into them, you are perpetuating an isolating, sickening system.


All my friends who live in nuclear families, in couples or the ones who are single and live alone, have the same issue: They have little to no time to exhale, they’re stuck in a hamster wheel, are exhausted and burned out, trying everything to be healthy, sane, put together in a sick system - while simultaneously upholding the system that makes them sick.

These are the setups I see again and again in my circles:

- Both partners work because of course, they have to make ends meet. Little quality time with other humans, no time for things they care about, no time for respite, stuck in a hamster wheel of work and school runs and the odd holiday to escape every day life.

- One partner works while the other one is at home. If they have kids it means both are overworked and tired too, just in different ways and also get very little to no time to exhale. If they don’t have children and one partner gets to enjoy a gentle pace not having to ‘hustle’ - it means the working partner is the one sacrificing their health and sanity. (Remember, someone always pays the price under Capitalism, even if it isn’t you!)

- Single parent households are among the hardest hit by this system. Having to work and provide for their family on one income while not having someone at home who can look after the kids means they also have to scramble for childcare on top of everything else. Single parents are the ones who know exactly how important it is to have a whole village around them to help. And even when they do, they’re often equally waiting for ‘the one special person’ thinking that will help and make everything easier. Because that’s what we are taught to believe.
I know some single parents who are lucky to have grandparents nearby to help - but even that is not a forever solution, is it? Not to mention that a child needs more than just their parents and grandparents. A child needs relationships with other people.

- Single people who live alone and lament how terribly difficult that is (as did I when I lived alone) - and rightly so! It’s expensive AF and lonely and our world is not set up to benefit single people at all. On the contrary, you are punished if you’re single and live alone. Financially and socially things are made so much harder - pushing single people into the belief that being in a couple will save them.

Everyone is exhausted and burned out to some degree - the only difference is the context. When we reach the holy grail of relationships, aka the COUPLEDOM we realise that life doesn’t necessarily get easier - while we get to share bills (yay) we still don’t have the free time we need to be healthy humans, we still have to hustle to get by and we still feel lonely because we all need more than ‘the One’ in our lives. We need community.

That is the answer I keep coming back to, no matter which way I look at it:
Community. Community over nuclear family.

Instead of prioritising romantic love, putting all our energy into finding it, keeping it, treating everything else like second best - how would it feel to let go of the binary thinking of romantic love vs. friendship love and level out the playing field? How would it feel to treat friendship love with the same holiness, devotion and commitment we treat romantic love?

Everything people tend to do in couples, can and should be practiced in friendship:

Difficult conversations, conflict resolution, compassion, mutual physical, financial and emotional support, tolerating discomfort, grieving together, sharing resources, shared relationships with others, disagreeing, reaching milestones, setting goals, living together, compromising, doing hard shit, putting in extra time and so on.

How are people supposed to suddenly be great at romantic relationship if they don't practice it with the other people in their lives?

It’s important to note that community does cost us something. Friendship comes at a cost. Like any love does. There is no community love without being also inconvenienced. Which many of us are so uncomfortable with in friendship. It’s like, that’s too far for ‘just a friendship’.

I myself am currently building a community lifestyle with friends. Not as roommates - but as family. I have friends who drive seven hours on a weekday afternoon to be there for me in my pain, friends who jump on a train with no notice, to hold my hand through tears. I have friendships where we send each other money when someone needs it, no questions asked. I have friendships where we put a hot water bottle in the other person’s bed so they have a warm bed when they come home late. I have friendships where we struggle through uncomfortable conversations together - again and again, with love. Until we find each other in a new way. A deeper way. I have friendships where we say “I’ll cook for you tonight, relax.”
This way of life required a big mindset shift, a big hard look at our programming and it’s one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. This year has cemented and confirmed for me that this is the way I want to live. In community. Even the years I have lived alone don’t hold a candle to this.

This is the only effective way to distance ourselves from Capitalism and the hamster wheel of having to earn more more more more more in order to maintain a life.
I see no other ethical way to opt out, to ease the load. If and when a romantic partner comes into the picture for one of us, they can choose to live with us if they want to. But this is the life I have come to love and want. This is the life I know we need. It’s healthier, gentle and easier this way.

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I’d love to hear if you think there are other truly sustainable and healthy ways to distance ourselves from this system. What am I missing and haven’t considered here? What are your thoughts?
How do these words feel in your body?
Do they make you uncomfortable?
Do they feel exciting?
Do you feel possibility?
Can you see a different world? Scratch that, that’s too abstract for most: can you see a different life for you ? Do you think that’s too difficult to realise? Why or why not?

Knowing that conditioning is the biggest part the pedestaling of romantic love: what are the things we can revisit, challenge and let go of? Which parts of this conditioning can we cut ties with, in service of a better world and system?

Do we need to hold on to the conditioned parts in order to ‘be in love’?
Can ‘being in love’ look differently to what we see modeled to us?

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I have written more than once about what community and love mean to me here and here and here and also here. This is dotted everywhere in my writing because it’s a theme that’s so present in my life and deeply fixed in my heart.

Bellow are some of the books I recommend that I hope will spark your imagination to go further. Some of them, like “Living together” show interesting examples of how different communities live together, share life, childcare and resources and ease the weight of capitalism. Others are necessary reflections and challenges on our ideas of love and relationships and great reminders of what life can look like and in fact, used to look like many many years ago.

If you have any recommendations for me and all of us, please put them in the comments! I am so excited to see them and really curious to hear your thoughts.

Love, Nadia