wish we were friends 🌟 read this in an uber ride to meet up with the long-term friends i am on a trip with. we've been family for nearly a decade as far as im concerned. i'm so GRATEFUL to live with friends, do life together, and i am happy to be inconvenienced by them again and again. community is truly the only solace under capitalism. i am 11 years younger than you (also divorced) but these takeaways are so inspiring and im glad you've found your people - and are finding more!! i still deeply yearn for my "person" but i now know that love is more than romance and true liberation comes from sisterhood
Rimsha, this is beautiful! thank you for building a life you dream of instead of using a template given to you. I have no doubt life has great people in store for you! Sending so much love!
This was wonderful. Raised as a traditional Latina — with siblings having their nuclear norms, while I have chosen a more unconventional way (thinking I can have it both) still truly I do. In the meantime I’m super single lol and don’t have a large community in La. It’s been difficult. Even though I’m at peace , the societal norms I was raised with need to be deconditioned because I don’t want this life that is truly a blessing (to just wake up and be able to try again) go passed me. It’s a lot to express. But this life essay was perfect. Thank you.
This is a thoughtful piece on building community and mutual aid in challenging times. I appreciate the emphasis on starting small and focusing on relationships rather than grand visions. The idea of a "pod mapping" exercise to identify the people in our lives we can rely on and support is practical and empowering.
I agree that we need to move away from transactional charity models and towards solidarity and collective care. The examples of people coming together to meet each other's needs, from sharing food to helping with childcare, illustrate what's possible when we prioritize community.
At the same time, building these networks takes time and effort, especially in a society that often isolates us and pits us against each other. It's important to have patience and compassion for ourselves and others as we navigate this work.
The resources and prompts you shared are helpful for those looking to get started or deepen their engagement. I'm curious - for those who may not have an existing community to draw on, what first steps would you recommend? How can we begin to forge these connections and build trust?
Thank you for the encouragement and food for thought. It's a reminder that another world is possible if we show up for each other, one relationship at a time.
Thank you for taking the time to read and show up in the comments 🫶🏽 I also did not have a community to begin with ( especially after leaving church ) - but rather a few individual friends at first. I started by mixing these individuals in my life together. As I mention in Step 3 a great way to build this is to mix your friends and also family. To introduce people to each other. So there is a cross pollution. To make friends meet your other friends. Not everyone will become BFFs, but they don't have to be. Once they know each other, and cross paths more often because of the person who connected them at first being the glue (bringing friends along to meeting other friends) - they are part of that wider community. They know each others names and faces and some personal details. This is invaluable. Especially when it comes to scenarios of needed support down the line. If everyone did that, we had more community.
Thank you Nadia, for writing words and ideas that so closely speak to my own heart and value system. I am 29, and certainly in the first wave of friends on the path toward nuclear family - and I have never fully aligned with that life - marriage, motherhood, property ownership, and a bullshit job (if you haven't read David Graeber, which you probably have, you must!) just to pay the (extortionate) bills. I have to mention here that I was raised on a farm, with a beautiful garden, and exhausted, burned out, overworked parents who were not emotionally present or attuned whatsoever. I was lucky in setting (raised with pet sheep, cows, horses, chooks, cats, dogs etc), and also have my fair share of trauma from my parents' emotional abuse and familial dysfunctional patterns (inherited trauma from ancestries like this of stoic, Protestant, repressed farm workers). What I am appreciative of thanks to my upbringing is my connection to nature - but I always saw how it was all FAR too much work for two adults and children in the nuclear family setup - the gardening, harvesting, preserving, farming, housework, whilst both parents worked full time and raised us, to afford the mortgage and this life that they so wanted. As a teenager and whilst studying Political Sciences and critical theories at university (I was radicalised young hehe), I would talk to my friends ALL THE TIME about the dream of a commune, to live in this way connected to nature but to SHARE the efforts of maintaining a household and garden and land, etc. The majority of my university educated friends were on the same page back then - we were radical, socialist, green lefties and social activists who did not want the status quo and wanted to burn the system down. We also had large saviour-complexes that we have since unravelled (thanks, trauma). It is interesting to see so many of my previously revolutionary friends inevitably become more and more status quo - the current is so strong and it takes so much effort to resist that, it seems. Even within certain friend groups of humans I deeply love, and who love me dearly, I am the most radical, for sharing these ideas with you. Many of my girlfriends are burnt out by their late-twenties or early thirties from their world-saving, or have realised they prefer more conservative, normie beliefs re: dating/home-ownership/motherhood, etc. And like you, I have to practice accepting that and loving them despite our ideological differences. The neurodivergent folk among us, of my friends (I say this, whilst rejecting the capitalist notion of "neurotypical", but I use the term still because in this system, it identifies I think the more creative and queer brains) are more critical of the status quo and I think share your/my more radical belief systems. We also tend to be more queer, (I am unravelling my sexuality currently) and committed to unravelling/de-conditioning inherited belief systems. I am sharing all this to say - I AM SO WITH YOU NADIA, and also, it is hard sometimes to be constantly swimming upstream, against the mainstream current! And so many humans I love and adore and are in my community don't necessarily want to actually action the steps to live communally, they want their partners and houses and mortgages and well-paid careers. I guess we could joke that many of us are "champagne socialists" - all talk and ideas without really committing to LIVING our value system. Do you read Devon Price? They are a BRILLIANT thinker and social psychologist and I feel like you would love their essays and work (they are on Substack too). Anyway, I am actively putting in this energy of community and care into my friendships too, and dreaming of a commune of humans I love to live in in my 30s. My problem is that I travel and have lived in lots of places and so the humans I adore are scattered all over the country (I am from Aotearoa/NZ) and world. But I would love to found a place where I can host people from all over the world, perhaps an artist residency too, for creative system changers, and also leave to travel to other places to connect with people around art/resistance/systems change! In saying all of this, whilst reading your essay, I was reminded of the happiest times of my life, where I was living in community-orientated flats that we had very consciously created, and I was single. I love how you have valued your friendships even in marriage and relationships - I am inspired. I am often that single third wheel with my best friends who are married too! But I love them and also want to be a part of their children's lives! Anyway, I have written an essay in response to your essay - but thank you Nadia for being an example of someone who is a decade older and bravely pursuing a life formed by her own values - you are a signpost! By the way, I am also a Leo sun and resonate with so much of what you share around your love for people and friends. Much love from Aoeatroa, I will share your essay around my socialist friends hehe xxx
Lauraaaa! My fellow Leo sister! Thank you so much for sharing this with us Laura. I deeply appreciate your openness and trust 🫶🏽 I know what you describe so well! How some of us become more and more conservative with time, more conventional, almost as if that is an unavoidable marker of adulthood. Which I don't believe to be true at all, and I know people who do the opposite. It's just about choices, options, also access and the courage to follow through. It doesn't have to be that way. And yes, totally hear you on the women who are burned out from the hustle of their 20's - but then again, motherhood and a more conservative life isn't that relaxing either. All my friends with kids and conventional setups are burned out as well. Lol. They were just sold a lie that that lifestyle would save them. It's a shame.
We are all burned out basically :) And I am doing my hardest, not to be a Champagne socialist, but to align my reality as much as possible with my words and values. I despise Champagne socialism lol :)
I have the same issue as you : I have been living in a lot of places and traveled a lot and had my people scattered all over. But at some point I made a choice to grow more roots. At 29 I didn't crave that, but I do now. It might come for you, it might not. But my biggest desire now are roots. And belonging. I am actually a bit turned off by traveling now :) That is just my story though.
I am so excited that you're on this path way earlier than I was, which means so much more opportunity to stir our world in a different direction! I have no doubt you will find what your heart desires, you will call those people and places in! The sun is on your side, how can you not? :) Sending you so much love and a big hug! Thank you for sharing this space with me. Maybe one day, somewhere in the world we will sit together and share community.
I hope so!!!! It is *actually* simple to action, put not easy - because of the default autopilot everyone around us is running on. I'm so happy to hear it resonates with you Janet ❤️
Thank you for this piece and your awesome questions, Nadia. I've been searching for friends like you for a few years now, after waking up to how hollow my long-term "low-effort" friendships have actually been. Reaching out to my current friends more, and in a more authentic way, has been a heartwarming and heartbreaking process; I've become closer with some, while realizing, like you, that I have to let other friendships be (which feels a bit like a one-way breakup; nothing's different for them, but everything's different for me). Becoming more community-minded - or just... compassionately alive? ... has been such a messy evolution. For one, I'm a married introvert who spends a HUGE amount of my time alone, which seems in such stark contrast to my firm belief that community is the answer to our current collective crises. At the same time, I LONG for human friendships where we just call each other spontaneously (luckily, one of my friends just started doing this!). I do not want my husband to be the only person I "do life" with. Consciously reminding myself that he is my friend and partner - not my possession or saviour - has helped me distance myself from the toxic narratives about marriage that pervade our culture, and has allowed me to create room for visions of a new way of life. I dream of doing life with friends as much as "family" (I dream of less distinction here); I dream of walking or using public transportation to get most places; I dream of buying my food only from my local community; trading services with neighbours; and helping each other out in times of need. I dream of it not being a "big deal" to visit people or to be visited. I dream of human connection that resembles more the connections found in nature, between the trees and fungi and all other plants and animals. No forest being doubts that they belong exactly where they are; nobody masks, nobody wonders where they should stand or what they should do with their arms (lol). What am I doing to manifest this vision right now? I'm a part-time community acupuncturist, which means that every mundane "work" day involves facilitating accessible, communal healing - and I want to facilitate more of this. My husband and I are building on a multigenerational property (blood-related, sure, but it feels radical compared to the blueprint we were handed). There's so much more I need to do to bring my vision to life (actively seeking out friends who live near me is the biggest), but right now, it just feels like I need more time to crystallize what I'm feeling and learning. My biggest guide has been simply learning to live with love. The way usually appears when I can trust that guide.
Morgan I love you!!! Thank you for answering my above call and sharing your dreams and ideas!!! It honestly gave me goosebumps reading this and I felt a tug on my heart. That tug is always a sign that what I'm hearing is exactly what I'm yearning for. I adore your dream, everything you said I just nodded and said yes yes yes to myself. Here's to taking small steps towards living this way, patiently, not giving up. This doesn't have to remain a dream. Love love love this for us!!!! Big hug and thank you ❤️
Thanks so much for your reply, Nadia! Your words always tug my heart too. It's so wonderful to know there are so many of us craving this and working toward it in big and small ways! Big hugs and love back to you <3
Thank you for this, Nadia. You are making me think and feel and wonder and yearn and I appreciate that.
I agree with you and I believe you, that this is our way out of the destruction of capitalism. I already made the nuclear family choices and am mother to two small children so I already walk that specific path but I do try to make room for more community. I have made one small but for me very significant step in that direction which is that we live in a small agricultural village in northern Portugal where we know our neighbors and everybody helps each other out. Specifically we have one family that we are very close to and do life together, the good and the hard, helping when help is needed, enjoying a lot of shared time. There are 2 things I'm hung up on:
1. My family is neurodivergent, both my husband and daughter are autistic, and spontaneous house visits and house guests are really, really challenging for them. They need their space, their quiet, their routines. I have yet to figure out how to accomplish that rich community feeling when I need to protect our private space for their wellbeing. Sigh.
2. the whole paying for community thing. I am a facilitator of connection, it is what I was born to do. I host women's circles, council circles, workshops, 1 on 1 empathy intuition activation sessions... and I charge for these because we still live inside capitalism and we need some money. We have done a lot of work to downsize and redefine what we actually need, which it turns out is a lot less than we used to think, but we still need money. Deep down I can feel that these things I offer are not meant to be paid for. They are meant to be a natural part of community living, people gathering, listening deeply to each other, sharing from the heart. But what is a woman to do?? Seriously asking.
This is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing Ray! It means the world! I love how you describe the life you are choosing to build! And the great thing is, when I asked for ideas it's precisely because all our circumstances are different, some more challenging than others - and we truly can imagine and make up something completely unique to our circumstances! Like, in YOUR WILDEST DREAMS, how would you do it?
And it's also about accepting certain limitations, which is fine ! As you said, we exist within capitalism so unfortunately we have to survive. For me that looks like earning money through a remote part time job, so that I can ask for less money for the stuff I think should be free! I know a few therapists who do this too! Because, as you said, we know there are offerings that should really be accessible to everyone!
One of the therapists I linked in my article (I highly recommend checking all of them out!) is called Ismatu, she doesn't charge her clients - she lives solely from donations. She asks her audience for donations so she can offer therapy for free.
There are so many amazing ways to test and try out things and make up our own ways. I am also exploring ideas right now, like sliding scale payments, donations instead of prices , etc.
MAKE IT UP! :) See whats possible within your life, and also don't beat yourself up. Nothing can ever be 100% within this system. If you can do something, that's something!
I live with an autistic person as well, and for them it's super challenging to have new people over spontaneously as well. For me it's normal. So we always talk about it, what's comfortable and possible - and they also see their own potential to expand and grow, knowing they are safe, even if a guest comes over unannounced. We found a middle ground that works. And it's ok if you can't find that - I am totally sure that if you explain that to your friends and community they would totally understand right? And they would still be happy for YOU to pop into their home, even if they can't do the exact same thing with you, no?
Community is never perfect! It's the opposite, it's messy and human - and we NEED that. We need the real dialogue, the friction, the resolving together and growing from that.
I am so excited for you and all the possibilites you have!
As someone who writes about the tension many of us find ourselves in under capitalism — negotiating the desire for freedom and the longing for community, I found the practical steps really thought provoking, especially given that they're grounded in your experience.
thank you nadia for this beautiful-albeit_triggering- thought provoking piece. im 23 (& also a leo sun ;)) and craving & yearning to be in community to feel i have roots or a place that dont reside in pre-existing ties - ie craving to have family by choice. being queer, neurospicy & anxious i both see how much i want safe spaces & to create safe spaces for others whilst sitting with such deep resistance in letting go of this old little life theyve taught us to strive for (enter: internalised hyperindividualism ~or am i jus introverted?~ and enter: the overcoming being in community with people i dont like - this struggle is reallll! more time, in recent past ive just left said spaces, so i love that u touched upon this w questions back to the reader).i know theres much time and much reckoning and much gentleness to be made with such reckoning and i know there are so many beautiful humans who are doing their best and showing that alternative worlds are possible & i trust that whatever will be will be if i/we remain curious. so yeah! thank u Nadia for sharing for being an actual elder i can look up to even if online. waaaaoweeeee so much to think about and unpack! incredible i can only hope that one day my intentions and actions for community will be aligned
but i also have a question how does one reconcile connections that have been tethered years ago with community spaces or people that one has caused harm to - id be curious to hear about conflict resolution or stories you feel comfortable to share (and how youre able to discern whether those spaces are simply no longer aligned with you-i fear the answer is obvious: trust your gut)
I am screaming at the fact you called me an ELDER 😂😂😂😂😂 Absolutely DEAD! Thank you for honouring me with this title, I am honestly touched and I love this comment you left me. You are totally right, these questions need to be adressed with gentleness because unlearning can be quite painful and scary. Sometimes, actually OFTEN it will mean the loss of something! Even the loss of people. But hopefully we can see what we gain from it is so much more sustainable and healthy and beautiful.
So excited for your journey and I wish you find the right people to do this life with!!!
I recently moved city because all of my friends were settling down and having children. I was the literally the only one single. I noticed myself becoming bitter at this, a terrible thing to feel. I stopped seeing some friends nearly as much, there were little communal gatherings, everything had to be scheduled in advance. I desperately, desperately wanted to be involved in raising their kids, as I felt my friends were my family but that didn't play out in practice. So I needed a circuit breaker.
Moving has completely changed my outlook. I have very little community so now am forced to actively search for it. I coach an adult women's football team, I joined a choir made up mainly of people over 50, I have two friends who I met when going to classical music concerts by myself (one of whom is 80 year old Rosemary who reads a book every day), I am studying teaching part-time so I can have a career that is built on interacting with other people rather than interacting with a screen. These experiences have been the exact opposite of my dating experiences since moving which have felt disposable and full of a lack of empathy or willingness to get to know me on a deeper level. So when you say friendships/community are the ultimate form of love I really feel that.
Some people I have messaged since moving haven't replied, and that's ok too. Maybe they don't have a need for more people in their life or are too busy or even aren't the type of people to be open to new relationships. That's OK too, as you say I'll put my efforts into where they make both parties feel good.
Brendan, I appreciate you so much for sharing this. My heart goes out to you. I feel this so deeply. While doing. this is SIMPLE it is not EASY at all to build these relationships and really do it as a lifestyle, due to most people just running on autopilot with the template they have been given. So I applaude you for being so intentional and active in your pursuit of connections that you can actually do life with.
And honestly, I have been craving the company of older women over the last two years, and actively seeking their friendship out as well. I have to admit I find their company more enjoyable. I hope you never lose this love that fuels you to build a life that suits your hearts desire. May it be contagious to. more people around you. ❤️
This was a great read I happened to stumble upon and you speak to my soul! I'm definitely planning to live a non-traditional life (will never marry, almost certain I'll never have kids, don't plan on living with a partner) so recently I've been thinking a lot about what my future may look like and I envision community at the heart of it. This excites me so much whereas the thought of a nuclear family set up does the opposite, depresses me, makes me feel a bit trapped. I've also done a tonne of deconditioning, and continue to do so, it's so hard but sooooo eye opening.
I hear you! The thought of it makes me feel trapped too :) I love that you are exploring your own path Charlotte!!!! May it be a guiding light for those around you to make up their own NEW system as well!
This post is everything. Thank you for this. You really put into words where I am in my life right now and how I feel lately. I don't want to be in a relationship. My son is going to be 18 and go off and do his own thing. I've contemplated what I was actually going to do and where I was going to move to when he gets older and leaves. I'm about to be 37 (Monday), and for the first time in my life, I'm going where I want to go and do things that I'm passionate about. It's just my cats, dog, and I, and we're leaving the U.S. (getting my Spanish citizenship by descent) without any money or a concrete plan yet having 1-2 years to figure it out before I leave.
wish we were friends 🌟 read this in an uber ride to meet up with the long-term friends i am on a trip with. we've been family for nearly a decade as far as im concerned. i'm so GRATEFUL to live with friends, do life together, and i am happy to be inconvenienced by them again and again. community is truly the only solace under capitalism. i am 11 years younger than you (also divorced) but these takeaways are so inspiring and im glad you've found your people - and are finding more!! i still deeply yearn for my "person" but i now know that love is more than romance and true liberation comes from sisterhood
Rimsha, this is beautiful! thank you for building a life you dream of instead of using a template given to you. I have no doubt life has great people in store for you! Sending so much love!
This was wonderful. Raised as a traditional Latina — with siblings having their nuclear norms, while I have chosen a more unconventional way (thinking I can have it both) still truly I do. In the meantime I’m super single lol and don’t have a large community in La. It’s been difficult. Even though I’m at peace , the societal norms I was raised with need to be deconditioned because I don’t want this life that is truly a blessing (to just wake up and be able to try again) go passed me. It’s a lot to express. But this life essay was perfect. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story Dani! And for letting me know this resonated with you. Sending love ❤️
This is perfect. And I love that we are doing this together. Not following the ‘life blueprint’ is not easy but soooo much more wonderful.
I absolutely LOVE that I get to build a life with you and more wonderful people too! Thank you for doing all the parts with me ❤️
This is a thoughtful piece on building community and mutual aid in challenging times. I appreciate the emphasis on starting small and focusing on relationships rather than grand visions. The idea of a "pod mapping" exercise to identify the people in our lives we can rely on and support is practical and empowering.
I agree that we need to move away from transactional charity models and towards solidarity and collective care. The examples of people coming together to meet each other's needs, from sharing food to helping with childcare, illustrate what's possible when we prioritize community.
At the same time, building these networks takes time and effort, especially in a society that often isolates us and pits us against each other. It's important to have patience and compassion for ourselves and others as we navigate this work.
The resources and prompts you shared are helpful for those looking to get started or deepen their engagement. I'm curious - for those who may not have an existing community to draw on, what first steps would you recommend? How can we begin to forge these connections and build trust?
Thank you for the encouragement and food for thought. It's a reminder that another world is possible if we show up for each other, one relationship at a time.
Thank you for taking the time to read and show up in the comments 🫶🏽 I also did not have a community to begin with ( especially after leaving church ) - but rather a few individual friends at first. I started by mixing these individuals in my life together. As I mention in Step 3 a great way to build this is to mix your friends and also family. To introduce people to each other. So there is a cross pollution. To make friends meet your other friends. Not everyone will become BFFs, but they don't have to be. Once they know each other, and cross paths more often because of the person who connected them at first being the glue (bringing friends along to meeting other friends) - they are part of that wider community. They know each others names and faces and some personal details. This is invaluable. Especially when it comes to scenarios of needed support down the line. If everyone did that, we had more community.
I also wrote about the mixing of people here: https://nadiameli.substack.com/p/belonging-of-place-and-belonging
Thank you Nadia, for writing words and ideas that so closely speak to my own heart and value system. I am 29, and certainly in the first wave of friends on the path toward nuclear family - and I have never fully aligned with that life - marriage, motherhood, property ownership, and a bullshit job (if you haven't read David Graeber, which you probably have, you must!) just to pay the (extortionate) bills. I have to mention here that I was raised on a farm, with a beautiful garden, and exhausted, burned out, overworked parents who were not emotionally present or attuned whatsoever. I was lucky in setting (raised with pet sheep, cows, horses, chooks, cats, dogs etc), and also have my fair share of trauma from my parents' emotional abuse and familial dysfunctional patterns (inherited trauma from ancestries like this of stoic, Protestant, repressed farm workers). What I am appreciative of thanks to my upbringing is my connection to nature - but I always saw how it was all FAR too much work for two adults and children in the nuclear family setup - the gardening, harvesting, preserving, farming, housework, whilst both parents worked full time and raised us, to afford the mortgage and this life that they so wanted. As a teenager and whilst studying Political Sciences and critical theories at university (I was radicalised young hehe), I would talk to my friends ALL THE TIME about the dream of a commune, to live in this way connected to nature but to SHARE the efforts of maintaining a household and garden and land, etc. The majority of my university educated friends were on the same page back then - we were radical, socialist, green lefties and social activists who did not want the status quo and wanted to burn the system down. We also had large saviour-complexes that we have since unravelled (thanks, trauma). It is interesting to see so many of my previously revolutionary friends inevitably become more and more status quo - the current is so strong and it takes so much effort to resist that, it seems. Even within certain friend groups of humans I deeply love, and who love me dearly, I am the most radical, for sharing these ideas with you. Many of my girlfriends are burnt out by their late-twenties or early thirties from their world-saving, or have realised they prefer more conservative, normie beliefs re: dating/home-ownership/motherhood, etc. And like you, I have to practice accepting that and loving them despite our ideological differences. The neurodivergent folk among us, of my friends (I say this, whilst rejecting the capitalist notion of "neurotypical", but I use the term still because in this system, it identifies I think the more creative and queer brains) are more critical of the status quo and I think share your/my more radical belief systems. We also tend to be more queer, (I am unravelling my sexuality currently) and committed to unravelling/de-conditioning inherited belief systems. I am sharing all this to say - I AM SO WITH YOU NADIA, and also, it is hard sometimes to be constantly swimming upstream, against the mainstream current! And so many humans I love and adore and are in my community don't necessarily want to actually action the steps to live communally, they want their partners and houses and mortgages and well-paid careers. I guess we could joke that many of us are "champagne socialists" - all talk and ideas without really committing to LIVING our value system. Do you read Devon Price? They are a BRILLIANT thinker and social psychologist and I feel like you would love their essays and work (they are on Substack too). Anyway, I am actively putting in this energy of community and care into my friendships too, and dreaming of a commune of humans I love to live in in my 30s. My problem is that I travel and have lived in lots of places and so the humans I adore are scattered all over the country (I am from Aotearoa/NZ) and world. But I would love to found a place where I can host people from all over the world, perhaps an artist residency too, for creative system changers, and also leave to travel to other places to connect with people around art/resistance/systems change! In saying all of this, whilst reading your essay, I was reminded of the happiest times of my life, where I was living in community-orientated flats that we had very consciously created, and I was single. I love how you have valued your friendships even in marriage and relationships - I am inspired. I am often that single third wheel with my best friends who are married too! But I love them and also want to be a part of their children's lives! Anyway, I have written an essay in response to your essay - but thank you Nadia for being an example of someone who is a decade older and bravely pursuing a life formed by her own values - you are a signpost! By the way, I am also a Leo sun and resonate with so much of what you share around your love for people and friends. Much love from Aoeatroa, I will share your essay around my socialist friends hehe xxx
Lauraaaa! My fellow Leo sister! Thank you so much for sharing this with us Laura. I deeply appreciate your openness and trust 🫶🏽 I know what you describe so well! How some of us become more and more conservative with time, more conventional, almost as if that is an unavoidable marker of adulthood. Which I don't believe to be true at all, and I know people who do the opposite. It's just about choices, options, also access and the courage to follow through. It doesn't have to be that way. And yes, totally hear you on the women who are burned out from the hustle of their 20's - but then again, motherhood and a more conservative life isn't that relaxing either. All my friends with kids and conventional setups are burned out as well. Lol. They were just sold a lie that that lifestyle would save them. It's a shame.
We are all burned out basically :) And I am doing my hardest, not to be a Champagne socialist, but to align my reality as much as possible with my words and values. I despise Champagne socialism lol :)
I have the same issue as you : I have been living in a lot of places and traveled a lot and had my people scattered all over. But at some point I made a choice to grow more roots. At 29 I didn't crave that, but I do now. It might come for you, it might not. But my biggest desire now are roots. And belonging. I am actually a bit turned off by traveling now :) That is just my story though.
I am so excited that you're on this path way earlier than I was, which means so much more opportunity to stir our world in a different direction! I have no doubt you will find what your heart desires, you will call those people and places in! The sun is on your side, how can you not? :) Sending you so much love and a big hug! Thank you for sharing this space with me. Maybe one day, somewhere in the world we will sit together and share community.
I could not agree more and thank you for writing so beautifully about this.
This makes so very happy! Thank you for reading Hannah! And for letting me know what this meant to you ❤️
Thank you for writing this, Nadia. I found it deeply reassuring and inspiring. I'm new to your work and to Substack but I feel I'm in the right place.
Lara, I'm so happy to hear that!!! May this continue to have ripple effects in your life and the ones around you ❤️
You gave me actual nuggets about building and maintaining community, thank you
I hope so!!!! It is *actually* simple to action, put not easy - because of the default autopilot everyone around us is running on. I'm so happy to hear it resonates with you Janet ❤️
you're such an inspiration!! I love how you talk about showing up for friends, and how not all friends need to be close friends.
Thank you Barbs! Definitely still working on that close friend's thing 😄
Thank you for this piece and your awesome questions, Nadia. I've been searching for friends like you for a few years now, after waking up to how hollow my long-term "low-effort" friendships have actually been. Reaching out to my current friends more, and in a more authentic way, has been a heartwarming and heartbreaking process; I've become closer with some, while realizing, like you, that I have to let other friendships be (which feels a bit like a one-way breakup; nothing's different for them, but everything's different for me). Becoming more community-minded - or just... compassionately alive? ... has been such a messy evolution. For one, I'm a married introvert who spends a HUGE amount of my time alone, which seems in such stark contrast to my firm belief that community is the answer to our current collective crises. At the same time, I LONG for human friendships where we just call each other spontaneously (luckily, one of my friends just started doing this!). I do not want my husband to be the only person I "do life" with. Consciously reminding myself that he is my friend and partner - not my possession or saviour - has helped me distance myself from the toxic narratives about marriage that pervade our culture, and has allowed me to create room for visions of a new way of life. I dream of doing life with friends as much as "family" (I dream of less distinction here); I dream of walking or using public transportation to get most places; I dream of buying my food only from my local community; trading services with neighbours; and helping each other out in times of need. I dream of it not being a "big deal" to visit people or to be visited. I dream of human connection that resembles more the connections found in nature, between the trees and fungi and all other plants and animals. No forest being doubts that they belong exactly where they are; nobody masks, nobody wonders where they should stand or what they should do with their arms (lol). What am I doing to manifest this vision right now? I'm a part-time community acupuncturist, which means that every mundane "work" day involves facilitating accessible, communal healing - and I want to facilitate more of this. My husband and I are building on a multigenerational property (blood-related, sure, but it feels radical compared to the blueprint we were handed). There's so much more I need to do to bring my vision to life (actively seeking out friends who live near me is the biggest), but right now, it just feels like I need more time to crystallize what I'm feeling and learning. My biggest guide has been simply learning to live with love. The way usually appears when I can trust that guide.
Morgan I love you!!! Thank you for answering my above call and sharing your dreams and ideas!!! It honestly gave me goosebumps reading this and I felt a tug on my heart. That tug is always a sign that what I'm hearing is exactly what I'm yearning for. I adore your dream, everything you said I just nodded and said yes yes yes to myself. Here's to taking small steps towards living this way, patiently, not giving up. This doesn't have to remain a dream. Love love love this for us!!!! Big hug and thank you ❤️
Thanks so much for your reply, Nadia! Your words always tug my heart too. It's so wonderful to know there are so many of us craving this and working toward it in big and small ways! Big hugs and love back to you <3
Thank you for this, Nadia. You are making me think and feel and wonder and yearn and I appreciate that.
I agree with you and I believe you, that this is our way out of the destruction of capitalism. I already made the nuclear family choices and am mother to two small children so I already walk that specific path but I do try to make room for more community. I have made one small but for me very significant step in that direction which is that we live in a small agricultural village in northern Portugal where we know our neighbors and everybody helps each other out. Specifically we have one family that we are very close to and do life together, the good and the hard, helping when help is needed, enjoying a lot of shared time. There are 2 things I'm hung up on:
1. My family is neurodivergent, both my husband and daughter are autistic, and spontaneous house visits and house guests are really, really challenging for them. They need their space, their quiet, their routines. I have yet to figure out how to accomplish that rich community feeling when I need to protect our private space for their wellbeing. Sigh.
2. the whole paying for community thing. I am a facilitator of connection, it is what I was born to do. I host women's circles, council circles, workshops, 1 on 1 empathy intuition activation sessions... and I charge for these because we still live inside capitalism and we need some money. We have done a lot of work to downsize and redefine what we actually need, which it turns out is a lot less than we used to think, but we still need money. Deep down I can feel that these things I offer are not meant to be paid for. They are meant to be a natural part of community living, people gathering, listening deeply to each other, sharing from the heart. But what is a woman to do?? Seriously asking.
This is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing Ray! It means the world! I love how you describe the life you are choosing to build! And the great thing is, when I asked for ideas it's precisely because all our circumstances are different, some more challenging than others - and we truly can imagine and make up something completely unique to our circumstances! Like, in YOUR WILDEST DREAMS, how would you do it?
And it's also about accepting certain limitations, which is fine ! As you said, we exist within capitalism so unfortunately we have to survive. For me that looks like earning money through a remote part time job, so that I can ask for less money for the stuff I think should be free! I know a few therapists who do this too! Because, as you said, we know there are offerings that should really be accessible to everyone!
One of the therapists I linked in my article (I highly recommend checking all of them out!) is called Ismatu, she doesn't charge her clients - she lives solely from donations. She asks her audience for donations so she can offer therapy for free.
There are so many amazing ways to test and try out things and make up our own ways. I am also exploring ideas right now, like sliding scale payments, donations instead of prices , etc.
MAKE IT UP! :) See whats possible within your life, and also don't beat yourself up. Nothing can ever be 100% within this system. If you can do something, that's something!
I live with an autistic person as well, and for them it's super challenging to have new people over spontaneously as well. For me it's normal. So we always talk about it, what's comfortable and possible - and they also see their own potential to expand and grow, knowing they are safe, even if a guest comes over unannounced. We found a middle ground that works. And it's ok if you can't find that - I am totally sure that if you explain that to your friends and community they would totally understand right? And they would still be happy for YOU to pop into their home, even if they can't do the exact same thing with you, no?
Community is never perfect! It's the opposite, it's messy and human - and we NEED that. We need the real dialogue, the friction, the resolving together and growing from that.
I am so excited for you and all the possibilites you have!
Excellent and hopeful read Nadia.
As someone who writes about the tension many of us find ourselves in under capitalism — negotiating the desire for freedom and the longing for community, I found the practical steps really thought provoking, especially given that they're grounded in your experience.
Thanks a bunch!
Thank you so much for telling me how this touched you Shane! It means the world!
thank you nadia for this beautiful-albeit_triggering- thought provoking piece. im 23 (& also a leo sun ;)) and craving & yearning to be in community to feel i have roots or a place that dont reside in pre-existing ties - ie craving to have family by choice. being queer, neurospicy & anxious i both see how much i want safe spaces & to create safe spaces for others whilst sitting with such deep resistance in letting go of this old little life theyve taught us to strive for (enter: internalised hyperindividualism ~or am i jus introverted?~ and enter: the overcoming being in community with people i dont like - this struggle is reallll! more time, in recent past ive just left said spaces, so i love that u touched upon this w questions back to the reader).i know theres much time and much reckoning and much gentleness to be made with such reckoning and i know there are so many beautiful humans who are doing their best and showing that alternative worlds are possible & i trust that whatever will be will be if i/we remain curious. so yeah! thank u Nadia for sharing for being an actual elder i can look up to even if online. waaaaoweeeee so much to think about and unpack! incredible i can only hope that one day my intentions and actions for community will be aligned
but i also have a question how does one reconcile connections that have been tethered years ago with community spaces or people that one has caused harm to - id be curious to hear about conflict resolution or stories you feel comfortable to share (and how youre able to discern whether those spaces are simply no longer aligned with you-i fear the answer is obvious: trust your gut)
thank you again Nadia ⭐️
I am screaming at the fact you called me an ELDER 😂😂😂😂😂 Absolutely DEAD! Thank you for honouring me with this title, I am honestly touched and I love this comment you left me. You are totally right, these questions need to be adressed with gentleness because unlearning can be quite painful and scary. Sometimes, actually OFTEN it will mean the loss of something! Even the loss of people. But hopefully we can see what we gain from it is so much more sustainable and healthy and beautiful.
So excited for your journey and I wish you find the right people to do this life with!!!
I recently moved city because all of my friends were settling down and having children. I was the literally the only one single. I noticed myself becoming bitter at this, a terrible thing to feel. I stopped seeing some friends nearly as much, there were little communal gatherings, everything had to be scheduled in advance. I desperately, desperately wanted to be involved in raising their kids, as I felt my friends were my family but that didn't play out in practice. So I needed a circuit breaker.
Moving has completely changed my outlook. I have very little community so now am forced to actively search for it. I coach an adult women's football team, I joined a choir made up mainly of people over 50, I have two friends who I met when going to classical music concerts by myself (one of whom is 80 year old Rosemary who reads a book every day), I am studying teaching part-time so I can have a career that is built on interacting with other people rather than interacting with a screen. These experiences have been the exact opposite of my dating experiences since moving which have felt disposable and full of a lack of empathy or willingness to get to know me on a deeper level. So when you say friendships/community are the ultimate form of love I really feel that.
Some people I have messaged since moving haven't replied, and that's ok too. Maybe they don't have a need for more people in their life or are too busy or even aren't the type of people to be open to new relationships. That's OK too, as you say I'll put my efforts into where they make both parties feel good.
Brendan, I appreciate you so much for sharing this. My heart goes out to you. I feel this so deeply. While doing. this is SIMPLE it is not EASY at all to build these relationships and really do it as a lifestyle, due to most people just running on autopilot with the template they have been given. So I applaude you for being so intentional and active in your pursuit of connections that you can actually do life with.
And honestly, I have been craving the company of older women over the last two years, and actively seeking their friendship out as well. I have to admit I find their company more enjoyable. I hope you never lose this love that fuels you to build a life that suits your hearts desire. May it be contagious to. more people around you. ❤️
This was a great read I happened to stumble upon and you speak to my soul! I'm definitely planning to live a non-traditional life (will never marry, almost certain I'll never have kids, don't plan on living with a partner) so recently I've been thinking a lot about what my future may look like and I envision community at the heart of it. This excites me so much whereas the thought of a nuclear family set up does the opposite, depresses me, makes me feel a bit trapped. I've also done a tonne of deconditioning, and continue to do so, it's so hard but sooooo eye opening.
I hear you! The thought of it makes me feel trapped too :) I love that you are exploring your own path Charlotte!!!! May it be a guiding light for those around you to make up their own NEW system as well!
This post is everything. Thank you for this. You really put into words where I am in my life right now and how I feel lately. I don't want to be in a relationship. My son is going to be 18 and go off and do his own thing. I've contemplated what I was actually going to do and where I was going to move to when he gets older and leaves. I'm about to be 37 (Monday), and for the first time in my life, I'm going where I want to go and do things that I'm passionate about. It's just my cats, dog, and I, and we're leaving the U.S. (getting my Spanish citizenship by descent) without any money or a concrete plan yet having 1-2 years to figure it out before I leave.
Wishing you the most amazing new pathways in this chapter of your life Jessica ❤️
Thanks 🥰🫶🏼♥️