Very well observed. Thinking about it I would probably say now that me as well I don’t always honour honesty the most. I think I’d rather value loyalty, kindness and reliability. Honesty is great, but I feel it goes only so far. Not every opinion or personal truth must be spoken. It can be hurtful and is not always something that needs to be shared. Especially since truths and opinions are not facts. They are personal, impermanent and changeable. They can and should be delivered with care and if really necessary. This doesn’t mean honesty is not important. It is very important. Especially brutal honesty with oneself. In this one there shouldn’t be compromises. But interpersonal relationships are a bit more nuanced. Communication needs to be really on point for honesty to be delivered as something everyone can benefit from.
Thank you for this! Love this perspective! Truths can be personal for sure (some are more universal) but I think they're different from opinions, don't you think? Or can be. And of course personal truths can be delivered with care and with the disclaimer that it is a personal truth! I feel like people are scared of doing it 'wrong' or just generally avoid honesty because we are not taught how to do it safely and lovingly and we're not taught how to receive truth safely either! Instead often in childhood we learn that saying the truth brings us punishment so for the rest of our lives we are driven by the narrative that truth is hurtful or dangerous. When really I find it such a beautiful gift! But only when we learn that it's safe. It's interesting what you said about loyalty for example, because I would find loyalty without honesty really dangerous - Potentially, not always :) I'd love to expand this conversation as it's so interesting to hear other people's values and reasoning! Love xx
It absolutely is human! And it's not wrong. Of course we have to look out for ourselves. I guess you can follow your own interests while also considering your impact on others or you can follow your own interests and be an asshole :)
To start, thank you for sharing your thoughts, reflections and experiences. It‘s inspiring and nourishing to read people who are going through life with awareness and intention – to name only two.
Today‘s letter inspires me to write back as it hits on something I’m growing into, sometimes with beauty, and sometimes with fear or pain. Reading your words gave me hope, as it reminded me there are other humans who have a deeper understanding of what truth and honesty is, and who are committed to cultivating it.
What I’m seeing in my life is that many people do wish for honesty (in theory), as you wrote, and they think they live it, but they don’t actually have the resilience, in their nervous system, to stay with and hold all that it entails in practice, when it comes down to the depth and subtleties of friendship and relationships. They have not integrated what it looks and feels like when practiced fully, “safely“ if you will. And so honesty triggers wounds that make it look like a threat and like separation, when it’s actually a beautiful offer for more connection.
It seems like the ability for honesty has a lot to do with one‘s a ability for self-reflection, owning one‘s own experience and yes, just a lot of work around one‘s wounds and shadows. In short, I feel like the ability and willingness for “true” honesty has a lot to do with one‘s ability to be in true relationship with oneself and grounded in who we are.
I’m also currently experiencing a kind of a “people cleanse”, which feels a bit unsettling – yet also tells me I must be doing something right. :’) So I love that you mentioned that, since it is part of the reality of it. It seems to me that often, this part is romanticized or gets left out, when it is actually a huge portion of becoming more and more of who we really are.
In short, thank you. I wish us all more people who are willing and resilient enough to embody the fullness of honesty, instead of being content with hiding behind its façade.
Isabel
P.S. About reflections/mirrors, as well, it’s so true that our ability to be honest with others (and receive honesty from them) is actually a reflection of our ability to be honest with ourselves. It’s a great way to assess our relationship with ourselves, which is sometimes difficult to see as we are in the midst of it. Love that you included that point, as well.
Thank you for your brilliant additions, they are so eloquent! The people cleanse is real! And it's a heartbreaking part of the process, one that makes you think you might be on the wrong track here? It's definitely brought up a lot of questions and even more self reflection and awareness for me, to understand what I have done wrong? It's interesting to soberly analyse that but also see that this really isn't a fault it is part of the process of living honestly. Not everyone will be with me on this journey. I love how you phrased that some people hide behind the facade of honesty. THIS!!!! Omg. THIS.
"See, we all want to believe we’re ‘good people’. We all think of ourselves as decent and kind on most days." – This!
We want to believe we are good. And we want others to be good. We want to not be betrayed and not be lied to and not be hurt. But phrasing it like this means, well, admitting, that we indeed can be hurt, that we are vulnerable. Someone who can be hurt is weak. And who wants to be weak in a society where weakness is a disadvantage?
And nah, saying I want my partner/friend/family member to be a 'good person'? Saying we just want to be loved and/or be treated well...doesn't that sound like a child? Naive? Let's say something more sophisticated. Honesty and authenticity – virtues that prove my high moral standards, that every one and every religion agrees upon, that sound literate. I am pretty sure it is and was never about honesty itself, it's just a phrase that we learned to use or that we think we have to use...
(Funny, not funny, that we use the word honest in such a dishonest way. )
Absolutely good point! I also think we say these cliche things to be accepted and to belong. Because we all want to belong, we don't want to be outcasts. And 'being a good person' means I will be accepted by society, with my peers, cause I am decent right? I agree, I think it's not about honesty at all, but something more than that.
Thank you for these provoking thoughts! I was struck by your observation that so many desire honesty and aren't really honest with themselves and others.
I've never really thought about the idea that other people mirror my own behavior, so fascinating! Which means, I do that, too. How much do I subconsciously absorb of other people's behavior and reflect back to them? I wonder if it's possible to intentionally mirror something else and affect their behavior? Can I make others change their behavior towards themselves by mirroring it (e.g. kindness towards themselves, honesty etc.)
There are definitely so many things going on between people and I now feel challenged to observe my behavior towards myself more.
As it stands now, I don't think you can change and affect someone elses behaviour -only your own, so you can leave people and spaces that don't align with who you are any longer. But if I misunderstood, happy to talk more! Are you joining the live on Monday?
I truly resonate with this piece, and I am enjoying meandering through your writings, Nadia - thank you. I see a lot of myself and my own thoughts reflected in your words. I just wanted to offer - I don't think a concept like "truth" is even so simple - or binary. There is not just "truth" and "lies", in this world, any more so than I believe in "good" and "bad" people. These binaries are so reductive, and they hinder us all greatly. I think there are "personal truths" - my truth, your truth, our mother's truth, our exs' truths, etc, and then, perhaps, there are "universal truths" (like gravity, or the existence of the Sun, as physical examples of our shared senses - although even these can be broken down when we understand that each animal literally perceives this planet differently than we do, and that we are bound by the confines of our limited senses/perceptions of so-called "reality", but I digress into Vedantic philosophy here, or quantum physics...) So I always try to remind myself that we are each the centre of our own universes, with our own versions of "truth". We expect others to share our perceptions/experiences, and to understand our "truth", but our truths are subjective, in the sense that they are personal. I do agree that "honesty" is a platitude for a lot of people, devoid of any real meaning or responsibility to what that word means, in the same way we aspire for "agape" or "unconditional love", when we are still in the trenches of discerning what love is, and what love is not... Perhaps some of us are more compelled to be truth-seekers, than others. I myself am a terrible liar, I tell the truth because I honestly can't be any other way. But to remove morality from this equation - perhaps we are all wired differently. And we are all "living our truth", even if that truth is a web of lies. I don't condone it... and I point to paradox here. I just don't believe that we, as humans, very often have monopolies on "truth". Perhaps we all want love - and that is a truth? And many of us want liberation, freedom, dignity, human rights for all - and apparently, those who run the world, don't care about these values, otherwise, we wouldn't live still under an imperialist system, exploiting and murdering so many innocents for the pockets and greed of a few. Like you - I question EVERYTHING. Including what I think is "truth" (whilst also learning to validate and honour my experiences). Like you, I live my life shedding skins, and growing.
Some thoughts, I always have many... (Why I need to write, too). Thank you for being brave and honest enough to share your truth. I am doing my best to do the same.
Very well observed. Thinking about it I would probably say now that me as well I don’t always honour honesty the most. I think I’d rather value loyalty, kindness and reliability. Honesty is great, but I feel it goes only so far. Not every opinion or personal truth must be spoken. It can be hurtful and is not always something that needs to be shared. Especially since truths and opinions are not facts. They are personal, impermanent and changeable. They can and should be delivered with care and if really necessary. This doesn’t mean honesty is not important. It is very important. Especially brutal honesty with oneself. In this one there shouldn’t be compromises. But interpersonal relationships are a bit more nuanced. Communication needs to be really on point for honesty to be delivered as something everyone can benefit from.
Sending love!
Thank you for this! Love this perspective! Truths can be personal for sure (some are more universal) but I think they're different from opinions, don't you think? Or can be. And of course personal truths can be delivered with care and with the disclaimer that it is a personal truth! I feel like people are scared of doing it 'wrong' or just generally avoid honesty because we are not taught how to do it safely and lovingly and we're not taught how to receive truth safely either! Instead often in childhood we learn that saying the truth brings us punishment so for the rest of our lives we are driven by the narrative that truth is hurtful or dangerous. When really I find it such a beautiful gift! But only when we learn that it's safe. It's interesting what you said about loyalty for example, because I would find loyalty without honesty really dangerous - Potentially, not always :) I'd love to expand this conversation as it's so interesting to hear other people's values and reasoning! Love xx
I totally agree with you. What we value the most, is our own interests. Always. And That’s totally human I think...
It absolutely is human! And it's not wrong. Of course we have to look out for ourselves. I guess you can follow your own interests while also considering your impact on others or you can follow your own interests and be an asshole :)
Hi Nadia
To start, thank you for sharing your thoughts, reflections and experiences. It‘s inspiring and nourishing to read people who are going through life with awareness and intention – to name only two.
Today‘s letter inspires me to write back as it hits on something I’m growing into, sometimes with beauty, and sometimes with fear or pain. Reading your words gave me hope, as it reminded me there are other humans who have a deeper understanding of what truth and honesty is, and who are committed to cultivating it.
What I’m seeing in my life is that many people do wish for honesty (in theory), as you wrote, and they think they live it, but they don’t actually have the resilience, in their nervous system, to stay with and hold all that it entails in practice, when it comes down to the depth and subtleties of friendship and relationships. They have not integrated what it looks and feels like when practiced fully, “safely“ if you will. And so honesty triggers wounds that make it look like a threat and like separation, when it’s actually a beautiful offer for more connection.
It seems like the ability for honesty has a lot to do with one‘s a ability for self-reflection, owning one‘s own experience and yes, just a lot of work around one‘s wounds and shadows. In short, I feel like the ability and willingness for “true” honesty has a lot to do with one‘s ability to be in true relationship with oneself and grounded in who we are.
I’m also currently experiencing a kind of a “people cleanse”, which feels a bit unsettling – yet also tells me I must be doing something right. :’) So I love that you mentioned that, since it is part of the reality of it. It seems to me that often, this part is romanticized or gets left out, when it is actually a huge portion of becoming more and more of who we really are.
In short, thank you. I wish us all more people who are willing and resilient enough to embody the fullness of honesty, instead of being content with hiding behind its façade.
Isabel
P.S. About reflections/mirrors, as well, it’s so true that our ability to be honest with others (and receive honesty from them) is actually a reflection of our ability to be honest with ourselves. It’s a great way to assess our relationship with ourselves, which is sometimes difficult to see as we are in the midst of it. Love that you included that point, as well.
Thank you for your brilliant additions, they are so eloquent! The people cleanse is real! And it's a heartbreaking part of the process, one that makes you think you might be on the wrong track here? It's definitely brought up a lot of questions and even more self reflection and awareness for me, to understand what I have done wrong? It's interesting to soberly analyse that but also see that this really isn't a fault it is part of the process of living honestly. Not everyone will be with me on this journey. I love how you phrased that some people hide behind the facade of honesty. THIS!!!! Omg. THIS.
"See, we all want to believe we’re ‘good people’. We all think of ourselves as decent and kind on most days." – This!
We want to believe we are good. And we want others to be good. We want to not be betrayed and not be lied to and not be hurt. But phrasing it like this means, well, admitting, that we indeed can be hurt, that we are vulnerable. Someone who can be hurt is weak. And who wants to be weak in a society where weakness is a disadvantage?
And nah, saying I want my partner/friend/family member to be a 'good person'? Saying we just want to be loved and/or be treated well...doesn't that sound like a child? Naive? Let's say something more sophisticated. Honesty and authenticity – virtues that prove my high moral standards, that every one and every religion agrees upon, that sound literate. I am pretty sure it is and was never about honesty itself, it's just a phrase that we learned to use or that we think we have to use...
(Funny, not funny, that we use the word honest in such a dishonest way. )
Absolutely good point! I also think we say these cliche things to be accepted and to belong. Because we all want to belong, we don't want to be outcasts. And 'being a good person' means I will be accepted by society, with my peers, cause I am decent right? I agree, I think it's not about honesty at all, but something more than that.
Thank you for these provoking thoughts! I was struck by your observation that so many desire honesty and aren't really honest with themselves and others.
I've never really thought about the idea that other people mirror my own behavior, so fascinating! Which means, I do that, too. How much do I subconsciously absorb of other people's behavior and reflect back to them? I wonder if it's possible to intentionally mirror something else and affect their behavior? Can I make others change their behavior towards themselves by mirroring it (e.g. kindness towards themselves, honesty etc.)
There are definitely so many things going on between people and I now feel challenged to observe my behavior towards myself more.
Thank you for your comment beautiful human!
As it stands now, I don't think you can change and affect someone elses behaviour -only your own, so you can leave people and spaces that don't align with who you are any longer. But if I misunderstood, happy to talk more! Are you joining the live on Monday?
I truly resonate with this piece, and I am enjoying meandering through your writings, Nadia - thank you. I see a lot of myself and my own thoughts reflected in your words. I just wanted to offer - I don't think a concept like "truth" is even so simple - or binary. There is not just "truth" and "lies", in this world, any more so than I believe in "good" and "bad" people. These binaries are so reductive, and they hinder us all greatly. I think there are "personal truths" - my truth, your truth, our mother's truth, our exs' truths, etc, and then, perhaps, there are "universal truths" (like gravity, or the existence of the Sun, as physical examples of our shared senses - although even these can be broken down when we understand that each animal literally perceives this planet differently than we do, and that we are bound by the confines of our limited senses/perceptions of so-called "reality", but I digress into Vedantic philosophy here, or quantum physics...) So I always try to remind myself that we are each the centre of our own universes, with our own versions of "truth". We expect others to share our perceptions/experiences, and to understand our "truth", but our truths are subjective, in the sense that they are personal. I do agree that "honesty" is a platitude for a lot of people, devoid of any real meaning or responsibility to what that word means, in the same way we aspire for "agape" or "unconditional love", when we are still in the trenches of discerning what love is, and what love is not... Perhaps some of us are more compelled to be truth-seekers, than others. I myself am a terrible liar, I tell the truth because I honestly can't be any other way. But to remove morality from this equation - perhaps we are all wired differently. And we are all "living our truth", even if that truth is a web of lies. I don't condone it... and I point to paradox here. I just don't believe that we, as humans, very often have monopolies on "truth". Perhaps we all want love - and that is a truth? And many of us want liberation, freedom, dignity, human rights for all - and apparently, those who run the world, don't care about these values, otherwise, we wouldn't live still under an imperialist system, exploiting and murdering so many innocents for the pockets and greed of a few. Like you - I question EVERYTHING. Including what I think is "truth" (whilst also learning to validate and honour my experiences). Like you, I live my life shedding skins, and growing.
Some thoughts, I always have many... (Why I need to write, too). Thank you for being brave and honest enough to share your truth. I am doing my best to do the same.