Notes on honesty and mirrors
what we say we want vs. what we do
What quality do you most like in people?
When you ask this question, the overwhelming majority replies in the same way. (Try it!)
Whether that is on dating profiles, in conversations, in movies, online. I have asked this question and I have been asked the same countless times.
In 2021, when I was online dating, on Hinge there was a prompt saying something like:
‘What is most important in a relationship?’
Most men replied with the words ‘Communication and honesty’.
It makes me laugh now. Because some of them were the worst communicators I have ever met.
This week I discovered I was deceived by someone I had trusted. Not a friend, but someone I had a professional agreement with. Someone who had called herself ‘honest and authentic’ and then was anything but, the moment she had to be.
It made me think about the words we say, the way we see ourselves vs. what we actually do.
Because what we say is meaningless. What we do counts.
See, we all want to believe we’re ‘good people’. We all think of ourselves as decent and kind on most days.
But who we really are comes to the light when your convenience is on the line. When honesty becomes inconvenient, the moment we have to act to our advantage to get what we want or cause harm to someone else - that’s when character reveals itself.
I spoke to a friend about this and did an experiment on Instagram a few days ago asking: What trait do you most value in people?
And to no surprise, this was the most common answer:
I find this reply - both on and offline - so fascinating. You hear these buzzwords everywhere: Honesty, integrity, authenticity.
But it’s not really what people want, is it? It’s just what we think we have to say, what sounds good, what everyone else says and puts on their profile, so we do it too.
I know this sounds jaded. Bare with me. I know that the reason we all say this is probably because at the core, we all do desire honesty - we simply have no idea what to do with it when we receive it and we have no idea how to give it.
But I also am deeply convinced that most people do not intentionally think about who they are and what they want. They go with what the majority wants and says. To fit in, to belong.
And so we speak in boring platitudes, in the hope to be accepted.
But what if what you actually value the most isn’t honesty?
Can you admit what is is you want?
As someone who has done a shit ton of work around integrity over the last decade, I feel like I have been met with an unusual amount of rejection from people I have been honest with in the last few years - but then maybe I just notice it more now because I am used to speaking the truth so much more now than I used to.
The brighter the light, the more shadows it casts, right?
But I must admit, it’s something I wasn’t prepared for. With the amount of people shouting ‘Honesty’ I thought my truth would be welcomed, embraced, heard.
Instead I have lost many people and relationships I thought would be in my life forever - because I dared to say the truth.
There’s something else I learned about these experiences: there are people who are enamoured with the idea that everyone you meet is a mirror.
I have always struggled with that concept because it is not nuanced enough and too simplistic and convenient.
Instead I realised that everyone you meet is a reflection not a mirror. They reflect back to you how you relate to yourself, how you respond and react.
I love how Ailey Jolie put it perfectly:
“Being in a relationship with a liar or someone toxic does not mean you are a those things and that is why you are with them - instead relationships reflect how you speak to yourself - is it kindly? They reflect if you are honouring your boundaries? Do you judge who you were in the past? Do you trust yourself? If you want to change your relationships you have to change how you relate to yourself.”
Ergo, be kinder with you, be loving with you, be more honest with you.
This, then will affect your relationships too.
So I guess you could say that I have been going through an organic purging over the last few years.
Who I have become - and am becoming - and how I am behaving because of it is leading to a people cleanse. Because for all the things that I am implementing it means we no longer relate to each other and we cannot share a space together.
Because see, I don't think what people want the most is actually honesty.
Very few humans will value their integrity above everything and will sacrifice other things to remain in integrity.
What people really want is get their way. And if honesty comes in the way of that, they'll happily compromise so they can get what they want. Simple.
So when you say you value honesty the most, do you actually mean that?
How far are you willing to take honesty?
Are you able to hear the truth and receive it?
Are you capable of offering the truth?
What is it you really value the most and do you embody it?
Very well observed. Thinking about it I would probably say now that me as well I don’t always honour honesty the most. I think I’d rather value loyalty, kindness and reliability. Honesty is great, but I feel it goes only so far. Not every opinion or personal truth must be spoken. It can be hurtful and is not always something that needs to be shared. Especially since truths and opinions are not facts. They are personal, impermanent and changeable. They can and should be delivered with care and if really necessary. This doesn’t mean honesty is not important. It is very important. Especially brutal honesty with oneself. In this one there shouldn’t be compromises. But interpersonal relationships are a bit more nuanced. Communication needs to be really on point for honesty to be delivered as something everyone can benefit from.
Sending love!
Hi Nadia
To start, thank you for sharing your thoughts, reflections and experiences. It‘s inspiring and nourishing to read people who are going through life with awareness and intention – to name only two.
Today‘s letter inspires me to write back as it hits on something I’m growing into, sometimes with beauty, and sometimes with fear or pain. Reading your words gave me hope, as it reminded me there are other humans who have a deeper understanding of what truth and honesty is, and who are committed to cultivating it.
What I’m seeing in my life is that many people do wish for honesty (in theory), as you wrote, and they think they live it, but they don’t actually have the resilience, in their nervous system, to stay with and hold all that it entails in practice, when it comes down to the depth and subtleties of friendship and relationships. They have not integrated what it looks and feels like when practiced fully, “safely“ if you will. And so honesty triggers wounds that make it look like a threat and like separation, when it’s actually a beautiful offer for more connection.
It seems like the ability for honesty has a lot to do with one‘s a ability for self-reflection, owning one‘s own experience and yes, just a lot of work around one‘s wounds and shadows. In short, I feel like the ability and willingness for “true” honesty has a lot to do with one‘s ability to be in true relationship with oneself and grounded in who we are.
I’m also currently experiencing a kind of a “people cleanse”, which feels a bit unsettling – yet also tells me I must be doing something right. :’) So I love that you mentioned that, since it is part of the reality of it. It seems to me that often, this part is romanticized or gets left out, when it is actually a huge portion of becoming more and more of who we really are.
In short, thank you. I wish us all more people who are willing and resilient enough to embody the fullness of honesty, instead of being content with hiding behind its façade.
Isabel
P.S. About reflections/mirrors, as well, it’s so true that our ability to be honest with others (and receive honesty from them) is actually a reflection of our ability to be honest with ourselves. It’s a great way to assess our relationship with ourselves, which is sometimes difficult to see as we are in the midst of it. Love that you included that point, as well.