As always, on point. I wonder, Nadia, if you have ever come across the philosopher Thomas Scanlon? I can only admit to knowing his work via a TV show I love called The Good Place, which I loved because it leant into so much philosophy, and he literally has a book called What We Owe To Each Other! I haven’t read it but it’s back in my periphery having read this blog tonight. Because we do, of course we do.
Like you, I believe the bare basics we owe to each other is common courtesy, humanity. Acknowledgment even, how very very basic a thing to offer. Yet not always given.
I do also wonder if the people who avoid those needing help with outstretched arms are aware how much shame they are holding about it. It’s shame that makes us look away, look at the ground. Shame makes us avoid. It’s a collective shame that we even have homeless people at all! Right? So when people are on their way to work feeling pissed off that their coffee is cold or they argued with the partner, and they are confronted with something so incredibly shameful on behalf of all of us, a real person in need, they literally can’t cope with all the shame and just look away. The irony/tragedy is this then doubles down on shame. Because nobody with humanity feels good about ignoring another human. And obviously I’m not remotely saying this is an excuse, more of a possible contributing roadblock to what feels to many of us like basic humanity. Until the world is able to look at its shame in the eye, everything that triggers it will feel even more shameful and even more of a thing to avoid looking at. Perhaps.
The other irony is that feeling ashamed or guilty that you have more or should do more can be helped by literally doing more. “I feel bad about this’ can be rectified with action. To show kindness and compassion and give to those in need would elevate people from these feelings of guilt and shame. But to avoid and sink into shame, is so much more toxic to the person doing it. Because toxic shame is not ‘I feel bad’, shame is ‘I AM BAD’. And that, I believe, is what people cannot face in these fleeting moments.
Which is (somewhat ironically again...) such a shame. 💔
Thank you for this beautiful response Natalie! I Love the GOOD PLACE but didn't have Thomas Scanlon on my radar! The book sounds incredible, just what I want to read right now! It's going in my basket right away :) thank you!
Yes, you are absolutely right! It is shame. And I believe that's good, because we SHOULD feel bad when we see horrible things happen. It would be weird if felt nothing, right? And in addition I believe it is also mixed with fear. I have volunteered in the homeless space for over 20 years and heard so many stories. So many 'well-off' and 'put together' and 'normal' people who ended up loosing it all.
People look away because they are afraid of seeing an actual human in that condition - because if it can happen to them, it means it can also happen to me. And I don't want to face that.
It's very sad. But as you said, the only way to actually change those feelings and potentially change something for someone else is to DO something and not look away. ❤️
Thank you for your words. I have been sad lately at the lack of care in this world. It extends to so many areas and is worldwide issue. I try to remember to be less judgemental. I can’t begin to imagine someone’s life’s circumstances unless I am in their shoes. Unless I am them. To be seen. Isn’t that what we all really want? ❤️
Beautiful, Nadia. This is a warm call to compassion, one of our core needs as humanity, and very often forgotten. And your piece embodies compassion itself. Thanks for sharing.
"‘You don’t owe anyone anything’ is often used as a free pass to avoid any accountability. " This part!
I've also noticed this odd new pattern of repeatedly asking for grace while continuing to behave poorly. I am all for giving grace, but receiving grace also demands that you do better next time. This weaponizing of "boundaries" and "self care" and the individual self is imposing on our relationships. We are lonelier than ever and still not "self-actualized."
Love this. So beautifully put and something that has been on my heart lately. So often it feels like this theme of "you don't owe anyone anything" is taking over and really affects public spaces and how I've been feeling in them. All the more reason to keep doing the opposite and treating others with the respect and compassion they deserve.
Yes! Yes! Yes! We owe one another basic decency for goodness sake. I’m so grateful you wrote about this because it’s becoming a growing trend. The world is already cold enough as it is so we really could use some warmth. We should do better really.
As always, on point. I wonder, Nadia, if you have ever come across the philosopher Thomas Scanlon? I can only admit to knowing his work via a TV show I love called The Good Place, which I loved because it leant into so much philosophy, and he literally has a book called What We Owe To Each Other! I haven’t read it but it’s back in my periphery having read this blog tonight. Because we do, of course we do.
Like you, I believe the bare basics we owe to each other is common courtesy, humanity. Acknowledgment even, how very very basic a thing to offer. Yet not always given.
I do also wonder if the people who avoid those needing help with outstretched arms are aware how much shame they are holding about it. It’s shame that makes us look away, look at the ground. Shame makes us avoid. It’s a collective shame that we even have homeless people at all! Right? So when people are on their way to work feeling pissed off that their coffee is cold or they argued with the partner, and they are confronted with something so incredibly shameful on behalf of all of us, a real person in need, they literally can’t cope with all the shame and just look away. The irony/tragedy is this then doubles down on shame. Because nobody with humanity feels good about ignoring another human. And obviously I’m not remotely saying this is an excuse, more of a possible contributing roadblock to what feels to many of us like basic humanity. Until the world is able to look at its shame in the eye, everything that triggers it will feel even more shameful and even more of a thing to avoid looking at. Perhaps.
The other irony is that feeling ashamed or guilty that you have more or should do more can be helped by literally doing more. “I feel bad about this’ can be rectified with action. To show kindness and compassion and give to those in need would elevate people from these feelings of guilt and shame. But to avoid and sink into shame, is so much more toxic to the person doing it. Because toxic shame is not ‘I feel bad’, shame is ‘I AM BAD’. And that, I believe, is what people cannot face in these fleeting moments.
Which is (somewhat ironically again...) such a shame. 💔
Thank you for this beautiful response Natalie! I Love the GOOD PLACE but didn't have Thomas Scanlon on my radar! The book sounds incredible, just what I want to read right now! It's going in my basket right away :) thank you!
Yes, you are absolutely right! It is shame. And I believe that's good, because we SHOULD feel bad when we see horrible things happen. It would be weird if felt nothing, right? And in addition I believe it is also mixed with fear. I have volunteered in the homeless space for over 20 years and heard so many stories. So many 'well-off' and 'put together' and 'normal' people who ended up loosing it all.
People look away because they are afraid of seeing an actual human in that condition - because if it can happen to them, it means it can also happen to me. And I don't want to face that.
It's very sad. But as you said, the only way to actually change those feelings and potentially change something for someone else is to DO something and not look away. ❤️
Thank you for your words. I have been sad lately at the lack of care in this world. It extends to so many areas and is worldwide issue. I try to remember to be less judgemental. I can’t begin to imagine someone’s life’s circumstances unless I am in their shoes. Unless I am them. To be seen. Isn’t that what we all really want? ❤️
Beautiful, Nadia. This is a warm call to compassion, one of our core needs as humanity, and very often forgotten. And your piece embodies compassion itself. Thanks for sharing.
"‘You don’t owe anyone anything’ is often used as a free pass to avoid any accountability. " This part!
I've also noticed this odd new pattern of repeatedly asking for grace while continuing to behave poorly. I am all for giving grace, but receiving grace also demands that you do better next time. This weaponizing of "boundaries" and "self care" and the individual self is imposing on our relationships. We are lonelier than ever and still not "self-actualized."
Love this. So beautifully put and something that has been on my heart lately. So often it feels like this theme of "you don't owe anyone anything" is taking over and really affects public spaces and how I've been feeling in them. All the more reason to keep doing the opposite and treating others with the respect and compassion they deserve.
OH wow. Stop stealing my entire brain!! I could not agree more. You are SO preaching to the converted.
Yes! Yes! Yes! We owe one another basic decency for goodness sake. I’m so grateful you wrote about this because it’s becoming a growing trend. The world is already cold enough as it is so we really could use some warmth. We should do better really.
Exactly this. I'm so tired of these platitudes and cop-outs to avoid accountability, connection and discomfort.
Very beautiful Nadia and you are so right! We do owe each other. The concept of not owing anyone anything has dehumanised us. Thank you for sharing 😊