This is beautiful! I just struggle with community building. I have many close and loving friends, but they are all scattered throughout the city, the country, the planet. And especially in Berlin I feel like people have such tight schedules, it’s hard to find time slots to meet them at all. I often long for easier relationships, where it’s common to come on over unannounced, where their home is your home, where you do life together and not just dinner once a month. How do you build that?
I so understand that! I am sorry. you feel the lack of community where you live as well. Definitely having a similar experience in London. Will start a chat about this next week in the app to get more suggestions from people but here is how I do it, and how it works in my own experience.
You have to lead by example. So if you crave more spontaneous , just-because-visits, text a friend if you are nearby or out and about in town and ask if they're around for a coffee or if you can pop in with some croissants? :) You might get a no, because well, it's spontaneous and they might be busy, but thats ok! Try again. And again and again. What that does is, it trains people in how you do friendships. They will start to pick this behaviour up as well, if that's how they want relationship as well. If you want more hosting at home, less going out, then invite people over for dinner. Hey, let's cook together? If someone you know is sick, ask them if you can drop by with some soup or go to the pharmacy for them. If you're going shopping ask for company, maybe someone wants to come along. If you need help with something, ask for it. Be it that you are sick, or house move, or repairing something or just advice. Ask for what you need. This won't work right away, and some people will never catch up, and that just means they are not interested in doing friendship this way. But there will be friends who will start doing this too! Because at the core, that's what they want too, they just never had the chance to do these kinds of friendships.
With meeting new friends I also treat it a bit like dating to be honest. I SAY how I do friendships, the same way I would say to a date what I am looking for. I don't see why we make a difference here really :) I always tell people I don't do coffeeshop friendships in the long run. I do friendships where we do LIFE TOGETHER. The real stuff. And then I listen to what their idea of friendship is. I hope this helps!
I thought you would say that haha the moment I typed the question, I knew the answer. Thank you for your honesty and generosity of sharing your wisdom.
I feel the same way! I also live in Berlin, for many years now, and it's really not easy to build up a circle of friends or a community here. Everyone is super busy, with work or with their families. We often live far apart, even though we live in the same city. I also miss easiness and spontaneity. I don’t want to believe that is just part of being an adult... For 2023 I plan to invest even more time and energy to build a community. But I also wonder how you, Nadia, did that? How did you bring all these amazing people into your life? (Thanks for your wonderful writing, sharing, and work! 💛)
This is beautiful! I just struggle with community building. I have many close and loving friends, but they are all scattered throughout the city, the country, the planet. And especially in Berlin I feel like people have such tight schedules, it’s hard to find time slots to meet them at all. I often long for easier relationships, where it’s common to come on over unannounced, where their home is your home, where you do life together and not just dinner once a month. How do you build that?
I so understand that! I am sorry. you feel the lack of community where you live as well. Definitely having a similar experience in London. Will start a chat about this next week in the app to get more suggestions from people but here is how I do it, and how it works in my own experience.
You have to lead by example. So if you crave more spontaneous , just-because-visits, text a friend if you are nearby or out and about in town and ask if they're around for a coffee or if you can pop in with some croissants? :) You might get a no, because well, it's spontaneous and they might be busy, but thats ok! Try again. And again and again. What that does is, it trains people in how you do friendships. They will start to pick this behaviour up as well, if that's how they want relationship as well. If you want more hosting at home, less going out, then invite people over for dinner. Hey, let's cook together? If someone you know is sick, ask them if you can drop by with some soup or go to the pharmacy for them. If you're going shopping ask for company, maybe someone wants to come along. If you need help with something, ask for it. Be it that you are sick, or house move, or repairing something or just advice. Ask for what you need. This won't work right away, and some people will never catch up, and that just means they are not interested in doing friendship this way. But there will be friends who will start doing this too! Because at the core, that's what they want too, they just never had the chance to do these kinds of friendships.
With meeting new friends I also treat it a bit like dating to be honest. I SAY how I do friendships, the same way I would say to a date what I am looking for. I don't see why we make a difference here really :) I always tell people I don't do coffeeshop friendships in the long run. I do friendships where we do LIFE TOGETHER. The real stuff. And then I listen to what their idea of friendship is. I hope this helps!
I thought you would say that haha the moment I typed the question, I knew the answer. Thank you for your honesty and generosity of sharing your wisdom.
I feel the same way! I also live in Berlin, for many years now, and it's really not easy to build up a circle of friends or a community here. Everyone is super busy, with work or with their families. We often live far apart, even though we live in the same city. I also miss easiness and spontaneity. I don’t want to believe that is just part of being an adult... For 2023 I plan to invest even more time and energy to build a community. But I also wonder how you, Nadia, did that? How did you bring all these amazing people into your life? (Thanks for your wonderful writing, sharing, and work! 💛)
I feel you! It's not an easy undertaking, but it's possible! I commented my experience above I hope it helps a little bit. Sending love! ♥︎
Yes, I saw your comment just after I posted. It's very inspiring. Thank you for sharing! :)
Thanks for sharing - now I feel less as if I am failing with something. I guess it’s hard for most people and the big cities don’t help.
All I can say right now is wow, wow, wow 🧡
Thank you for that Joel! 🙏🏻