I relate with so much of this, especially how much my connection with music was interwoven with my connection to God. Since leaving the church, the music is absolutely what I miss the most. And I’ve tried to look for ways since then to still experience a glimpse of what I felt then.
Thank you for sharing this with me Alex! Just finished reading and phew, was it a hard read. I felt every word and then some. I am glad you could find all the beautiful things about church without the church and I hope (for both of us) you can find the music too.
You always find a way to write exactly what we feel inside Nadia.
I remember seeing some of your posts in a not-so-distant past - loving live music. You felt so alive describing what you experienced that night at the show. It was a different part of you we’d never seen before. Finally, it all makes sense.
Whether it is words on a page or lyrics in a song, I’m so excited about everything you create and the songs you’ll put into the world. This is just the beginning.
Also
Can we also all gather here in the comments to comment on how perfectly the cello looks on you?
This was so beautiful, heartbreaking, and vulnerable to read. Thank you so much, Nadia, for sharing. Relationship to music is so deeply personal and sound, taste, scent, touch, smell -- all of our senses are so tapped in to the full spectrum of experiences we've had throughout our lives. This reflection on your relationship to music, to the joyful memories and also those you wish to block or move past altogether are so real and raw. I know that you will find your way back to music, through babysteps maybe and this type of reflection, it's only a matter of time.
I think about this in my own relationship to writing. The times I have walked away and needed to. The times I have yearned for it and was not ready. The times I was resentful of it. The times it brought me more than I could ever expect. But whenever I was ready to step back, writing was always waiting with open arms. I really feel and believe that music will do the same for you when you're ready. <3
Thank you for sharing this space with me Misha, it means so much! And you're absolutely right, these muses and joys of ours are always waiting. I love this knowing, that I will be welcomed back with open arms!
As someone whose lifeblood is music who also struggles with worship songs embedded in my brain, I see you! But hey…maybe the way to enjoy music again is to fall in love with the music that you create yourself There is music in your souls and bones, you can play instruments no? Maybe just PLAY, for fun, to create your own soundtrack! Let it flow through your own fingertips. Play with the sounds that feel like YOU. Create your own musical universe that is safe and healing and YOURS. You are an artist after all. 🥰🥰🥰
Thank you for your encouragement Natalie! That's what I have been trying to do. It is a very slow snail process though, because of the trauma. But I am in no rush. I won't make an album, like you! But I am excited for whatever it is that comes out of me 🥰
Slow and steady and safe is all very good my dear, and it doesn’t even have to be public! I never shared any music for decades, it was my therapy, my sanctuary, my own world for me, it’s a beautiful thing to have if you can make it feel safe for yourself. It really sounds like music is part of you and you deserve to reclaim it, so at whatever pace, in whatever way, I believe you can and will reclaim it! Big hugs xxx
" I want to feel it reverberate in my bones, a natural part of me, like the hair on my legs and the bend of my eyelashes." This bit really got to me Nadia! What a beautifully, beautifully written piece. Your writing and use of words and emotion just tugs at my heart.
As a musician, songwriter, and person who was raised in, and then left Christianity, everything you say resonates with my experience. And in regard to faith, here’s what I believe: music will find you, the real and authentic you, and show you a path, and take you on a journey to songs that are true, and beautiful, and uniquely yours. If there is a God, isn’t that what God would want for us? For us to find our voice, to express what feels sacred to us, and to be so alive in our creative work that that work becomes imbued with the truly spiritual (which is also what is most deeply human)? Trust in that… there is a rich and wonderful world out there that would be incomplete without your songs in it.
Music and identity are so wrapped up in each other, and it’s hard when one day you realise that one is not necessarily representative of the other. I’ve been exploring improvisation for very similar reasons - not being able to rely on the music I’ve learnt and embedded (and professionally so) to represent me, particularly my mixed-race identity. https://open.substack.com/pub/minghuiviolin
I relate with so much of this, especially how much my connection with music was interwoven with my connection to God. Since leaving the church, the music is absolutely what I miss the most. And I’ve tried to look for ways since then to still experience a glimpse of what I felt then.
Back before I was on Substack, I wrote about my relationship with god and church no longer being the same: https://medium.com/writing-boys/im-still-at-my-old-church-180266327330?sk=b18eb131b1769b59507a84761964e0ea
Thank you for sharing this with me Alex! Just finished reading and phew, was it a hard read. I felt every word and then some. I am glad you could find all the beautiful things about church without the church and I hope (for both of us) you can find the music too.
You always find a way to write exactly what we feel inside Nadia.
I remember seeing some of your posts in a not-so-distant past - loving live music. You felt so alive describing what you experienced that night at the show. It was a different part of you we’d never seen before. Finally, it all makes sense.
Whether it is words on a page or lyrics in a song, I’m so excited about everything you create and the songs you’ll put into the world. This is just the beginning.
Also
Can we also all gather here in the comments to comment on how perfectly the cello looks on you?
Yes!
Oh was that at Jacob Banks concert? 😄 Thank you for your warm words friend and for the wonderful video that pushed me to voice these feelings.
And yes I know, the Cello suits me!!! I will get back into it again ❤️
This was so beautiful, heartbreaking, and vulnerable to read. Thank you so much, Nadia, for sharing. Relationship to music is so deeply personal and sound, taste, scent, touch, smell -- all of our senses are so tapped in to the full spectrum of experiences we've had throughout our lives. This reflection on your relationship to music, to the joyful memories and also those you wish to block or move past altogether are so real and raw. I know that you will find your way back to music, through babysteps maybe and this type of reflection, it's only a matter of time.
I think about this in my own relationship to writing. The times I have walked away and needed to. The times I have yearned for it and was not ready. The times I was resentful of it. The times it brought me more than I could ever expect. But whenever I was ready to step back, writing was always waiting with open arms. I really feel and believe that music will do the same for you when you're ready. <3
Thank you for sharing this space with me Misha, it means so much! And you're absolutely right, these muses and joys of ours are always waiting. I love this knowing, that I will be welcomed back with open arms!
A beautiful reflection on the music of your life and your faith. The longings will bring you back to center where your music resides.
I trust that they will. Thank you Ginda! 🙏🏼
As someone whose lifeblood is music who also struggles with worship songs embedded in my brain, I see you! But hey…maybe the way to enjoy music again is to fall in love with the music that you create yourself There is music in your souls and bones, you can play instruments no? Maybe just PLAY, for fun, to create your own soundtrack! Let it flow through your own fingertips. Play with the sounds that feel like YOU. Create your own musical universe that is safe and healing and YOURS. You are an artist after all. 🥰🥰🥰
Thank you for your encouragement Natalie! That's what I have been trying to do. It is a very slow snail process though, because of the trauma. But I am in no rush. I won't make an album, like you! But I am excited for whatever it is that comes out of me 🥰
Slow and steady and safe is all very good my dear, and it doesn’t even have to be public! I never shared any music for decades, it was my therapy, my sanctuary, my own world for me, it’s a beautiful thing to have if you can make it feel safe for yourself. It really sounds like music is part of you and you deserve to reclaim it, so at whatever pace, in whatever way, I believe you can and will reclaim it! Big hugs xxx
" I want to feel it reverberate in my bones, a natural part of me, like the hair on my legs and the bend of my eyelashes." This bit really got to me Nadia! What a beautifully, beautifully written piece. Your writing and use of words and emotion just tugs at my heart.
This made me emotional ! Thank you for letting me know how it made you feel! 🥹
As a musician, songwriter, and person who was raised in, and then left Christianity, everything you say resonates with my experience. And in regard to faith, here’s what I believe: music will find you, the real and authentic you, and show you a path, and take you on a journey to songs that are true, and beautiful, and uniquely yours. If there is a God, isn’t that what God would want for us? For us to find our voice, to express what feels sacred to us, and to be so alive in our creative work that that work becomes imbued with the truly spiritual (which is also what is most deeply human)? Trust in that… there is a rich and wonderful world out there that would be incomplete without your songs in it.
Thank you for offering this Joshua ❤️
Music and identity are so wrapped up in each other, and it’s hard when one day you realise that one is not necessarily representative of the other. I’ve been exploring improvisation for very similar reasons - not being able to rely on the music I’ve learnt and embedded (and professionally so) to represent me, particularly my mixed-race identity. https://open.substack.com/pub/minghuiviolin