I am not a safe space.

Don't ever mistake me for nice. You'll be disappointed fast.

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“I thought you were a safe space”, he wrote. Disappointed in my disagreement with him. Him: a white man, a german lawyer, a former client - who was trying to justify Israel’s genocide in Palestine with the words: “It’s complex.”
I wasn’t having it. I told him so. And was labeled an ‘unsafe space’.

In his eyes, a safe space meant he wouldn’t be challenged but instead, as the privileged, german white male he is, coddled, praised and patted on the head.

Years ago I used to say things like ‘my dm’s are a safe space’ on social media - I don’t do that anymore. Because I know that I cannot make that promise when people have different definitions of what a safe space means.

Let me explain.

After leaving one of the largest communities you could possibly be a part of, Christianity / Religion, I have found myself really uncomfortable in group identities. Groups of any kind.

The group that was ‘safe’ for me for 30 years, quickly became unsafe when I poked holes at it.

Spiritual groups, groups held together by the same nationality or ethnicity, Yoga communities, online memberships, this group, that group, even marginalised groups and even groups that claim to be inclusive - I have found all of them to be difficult for me to exist in. Why?

For one, groups remind me starkly of organised religion, no matter how welcoming they say they are.
This, of course, is my own trauma to deal with.

But I realised something else that every group I have gotten to know over the last six years had in common:

All of them were only safe spaces if you held the same belief.
If you used the same language.
If you did not rock the boat.

Well, for me, an incessant question-asker, not rocking the boat is something I am not able to do.

Groups are inevitably held together by group thinking.
But we’re not all the same, are we?

So I asked myself: is this what a safe space is?
A space where everyone agrees?

People completely misunderstand what a safe space is.

In supposedly liberal accepting and ‘safe’ spaces I have found that actually ‘safe’ just meant ‘we have to agree on everything’.

People want to be comfortable and not disturbed, so they seek out ‘safe spaces’ that will let them be comfortable.
But does comfort equal love? Does it equal safety?

I have always been obsessed with the meaning of words. Possibly due to growing up bilingual and then adding a couple more languages to that when I was older. I try to choose my words with care and I always question someone on their words. That’s why I hate things that everyone says, platitudes are so empty and meaningless.
Like when everything is ‘cool’. Or a ‘vibe’ (don’t ever use ‘vibes’ with me, lol).

We vibe, let’s vibe, it was a vibe…

What do you MEAN?

Use other words. What exactly do you mean when you say it’s a vibe?

Is it enchanting? Does it make your heart sing? Do you want to do it again? Does it mean it was a fun hour? Is it your life’s purpose? Did you laugh? Did it make you think?

Explain please. Be clear. Don’t put the weight of meaning on a single lazy word.

If one word is used to explain everything, than it means nothing.

Just like Bell Hooks reminds us in ‘All About love’ that we need to define what love really means, I beg you: define your words. Keep this in mind when you keep reading, because my definition of a safe space is truly all about love.

Throughout my whole life, but especially since leaving religion, I have found my community in individual relationships. I struggle being in groups and assimilating to any kind of group thinking.

I understand that sometimes we need an echo chamber for a while, we need to exist in a bubble for a while, a space that is agreeable - to heal, to recover and get well again.

That’s what echo chambers should be for: recovery. Not our permanent state of being.

Your healing should take you to a place where you don’t feel permanently threatened by difference of opinion.
Where you can stay in the tension with others and hold love for them even when you don’t agree. A safe space is a space where you can disagree and still feel safe - and know that you are safe.

A safe space is not a space where everyone thinks the same and beliefs the same thing and agrees on everything. That is a dogmatic space. That is an echo chamber.

So what is a ‘safe space’ then?

A safe space is a space where you are met without judgement but will be challenged in your beliefs. A space where you are not coddled but gently questioned and pushed to grow. A safe space is not a space where you stay the same. A safe space is a space of love, but what does love mean?
Love can be confronting and it can feel even dangerous and threatening to some.
When we haven’t learned that conflict doesn’t equal drama, we always remain afraid of it and avoid it.
We need safe spaces where we can ‘fight’ in beautiful ways. Where we can fight in peace. Where we can 'fight in love. Have you ever had a peaceful fight? Have you learned how to communicate your feelings in safe and regulated ways? Have you ever had the beautiful experience of disagreeing with someone and remaining in the feeling of safety?

A safe space is a space where you are loved into growth.

In his book ‘The road less travelled’, M. Scott Peck says: “Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.”

That, to me, is the definition of a safe space: A space where our spiritual growth is nurtured. And that growth, that nurturing doesn’t always ‘feel’ safe and ‘good’ when we’ve never known it.

I invite you to define what your idea of a safe space is.
That ‘unsafe’ feeling, that fear of wanting to run?
It might just be love waiting for you to be ready and step up.

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A piece I shared on Instagram a while ago:


Don't mistake me for nice.

We can disagree on food, on travel, work, TV shows, on style, politics, relationships, religion - I don't care. What we cannot debate is the murder of innocent people. If you try to debate human rights with me, I am going to fight. If you attack people I love, I am going to fight. If you attack people who are oppressed and fighting back, I am going to fight. I am not going to fight YOU, but your ideology. I am always going to fight FOR people. The ones in my circle and the ones outside of it too. There are many things in life that are a grey area, but humanity is not one of them. And if you haven't clocked it yet, we are all connected. When innocent lives are at stake I am not going to be moderate. 

Don't mistake me for nice. 

I am not scared, I am not ashamed. I don't fear loosing opportunities, loosing face, loosing friends or loosing followers.
I know loss intimately.
I am not scared of outside loss.
I will always survive.
I am only scared of loosing my humanity and my integrity. 

Don't mistake me for nice. I am an ocean of layers of infinite depths and when I love, I do it with all my Being, I don't do lip service.

Nice is not part of that Love.

Love isn't easy going, cool or chill.

Love doesn't leave you in your comfortable pit.

Love is purposeful, Love calls you out and calls you forward.

Love is expansive, a living, breathing thing, and as such, it cannot be stagnant.

It pushes you to grow. Love is safe but it's uncomfortable. 
And to some, discomfort feels dangerous.

Anger is part of Love.

Accountability is part of Love.

Justice is Love.

I am not nice. I am Love.

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Thank you for reading and sharing this unsafe space with me :)

I know from many of your emails and comments how challenging you find me to read sometimes and that sometimes my words are a balm for your heart. I hope that my writing always has both of these effects.
If you are capable of supporting my writing financially, it would mean the world. You will have my undying gratitude and access to the whole archive, that is, dare I say, delicious. Consider it an advance on my future book.

Thank you for being here♥︎