Oh boy! Nailed it 😱 That's exactly how I feel about my friendhips here. I need my expat friendships as much as I need my irish friendship. Friendship because I'm only close to one local after nearly 10 years 🤣
Another beautiful piece to read, thank you. I find this subject really fascinating as I grew up in England, then lived in Paris for over a decade, and now live in Scotland. I value reading what you have to say about living here, as I know all too well what it is to live somewhere and feel at home there, and yet feel never quite connected to society in the same way as the people who were born there do. I often wondered if it was me, despite having a career there, speaking the language fluently, integrating to the best of my ability, some places and situations made me feel like a complete outsider because I couldn't quite understand the societal codes/expectations. Or, maybe I did understand them but they just felt for want of a better word 'foreign' to me. I think that the English (specifically) can be quite a guarded people — until they've had a drink which helps with social lubrification immensely. For example, I hated being expected to touch faces (kiss on the cheek) to say hi to people I'd never met before (and may never meet again) at gatherings in France, the English can be really reserved in that way and I am one of them. And yes, our homes can be quite closed. Your understanding of the meaning behind the question, "What are your plans for the rest of the day?" is very astute and completely accurate. I had never consciously realised that part of the purpose of that question is to remind you that you will not be staying where you are for much longer. I think that historical Englishness (all the formality, distance and politeness) has now merged with modern day capitalistic individualism quite seamlessly and we don't even realise the rich connections that we are missing out on from behind our closed front doors. What I will say is that Scotland (specifically the places with fewer English people) is more welcoming and community focused (unfortunately I have little knowledge of Wales to speak of, but I would hazard a guess that it's similar to Scotland). It no doubt still falls short of the community spirit which you (understandably) yearn for, but it is a step away from English approach. I, personally, found Paris to be an extremely lonely place to live, and only when I had a child did I realise that finding a community that you not only feel safe in, but also welcome and comfortable, is extremely important. I wish I had realised this when I was much younger and gone in earnest search for it, rather than settling for what I knew. Thanks again for a great read.
Thank you for sharing your story and your experience here Victoria, I appreciate you ❤️ I am glad you found a place that matches the people and I hope you can build a community life there that makes you feel really full and safe and loved. It's so so precious when we find it.
really loved reading this article, i’m not a third culture person by any means, but an American that’s a child of african immigrants (so i guess 2nd culture? lol idk) but i’ve always wanted to live abroad for a year. I don’t know that Americans are like this but maybe as a result of having an overprotective family lol i kind of grew up like this (school friends are only AT school, no play dates) (church friends are only AT church, etc) (family should be prioritized over friends) and am trying to break out of it as i have almost a mental box even tho theoretically i CAN start mixing these boxes i have a lot of anxiety about it but im trying to move past that day by day person by person.
This is so beautiful Bel! I love that you recognised the boxes for yourself and are doing something about them. You will need this skill, especially when you move abroad! I am super excited for you!!!
You have articulated perfectly my feelings about living here the last 11 years. My best friend from Canada who was from the same region just move back two days ago to our home province. I am bereft. I love London, every time I am out, I feel as if I am exactly where I am meant to be. However, socially…I grieve my home and my past self/community. As you said, there is a shared vulnerability when you meet people not from here, an understanding. Our shared homeland/warmth that we’ve found in each other but have had more difficulty in creating with other Brits, although we try our best. I miss the ease and openness of social interactions in Canada and fear that I am also becoming someone whose home is becoming non-social due to my British partner. Thank you for your post, it’s resonated so deeply with me, your articulation of our shared thoughts I found deeply comforting. x
Thank you so much for sharing your sentiments too! It comforts me as well! After 8 years and countless encounters and conversations I definitely know I am not alone thinking this, but I was still worried about sharing it. I am sorry you have been having similar experiences. We can only try to do it our way and stick to people who are open to it too. Sending you love ❤️
I have never come across a piece of writing on this topic, let alone one so beautiful and resonant. For years, I lived in Washington state (a gorgeous place) and had no sense of belonging to the people. When I left there four years ago for New York state, it was leaving the place I grieved - the place had been my family and friends - not the people. In New York, I have found belonging with people that I don't think I've ever experienced outside the manufactured and conditional belonging of religion. The place has grown on me and I feel a belonging in that as well, but it's the people that root me here. And I think you're right, that those who know what it's like to not belong to others are more intentional and generous in leaving space for others to come in. Thank you so much for putting this into words.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts Phoenix! So true what you said about the conditional belonging of religion! Church was the only place in the UK where I found that togetherness more but as soon as I left church, the friendships left me. I am glad you found belonging of people where you are now, it is such a precious gift. Sending all my love x
I get this in my bones, as a Canadian of Egyptian origin whose Egyptian side opens up the spaces and whose Canadian side does this way less. For what it’s worth, I have some friends (read: white, no third culture) who want to get all the people together. Recently one of the reached out to bring our fams … I wanted to meet but my dad was visiting and she said, ‘bring him too! I’d love to see him!’ It warmed my heart.
Such a good read. I didn't experience real community until I moved from a huge city to a small town. It's lovely and warm. And I am only able to experience and offer it now because the people here showed me, taught me...just as you are doing in this writing. Bravo, Maestra.
I am so happy you found that Anna! It is truly special. Small town living in the UK is even worse for me 😄 Maybe it's alright for Brits, but I feel even more alienated where I am at the moment, which is a small place. This expat stuff is hard!
I can imagine Jamal. From what I have experienced in the US I found it hard to get into the deep end with people, to be a part of each others lives. I hope you get to make your community in the place you are in now, or the next.
Nadia, oh my goodness…. As a Greek expat, living in London for twenty years (came for Uni, fell in love with my now husband, and stayed), I had completely forgotten this feeling…
The Box!!! 😳
You reminded me this, so well!
I must have forgotten it because since having children, our lives turned completely upside down, and friendships formed through blood, sweat, poop, and tears, between us mums with young babies, who had to put the media career on hold, but hey, we had a glass of Vino at 5pm-ish in the gated development, whilst the kids played with their scooters safely, and we were all in and out of each others homes…
But that was only one chapter.
Then we moved to a bigger place, in Brighton (!!), only for things to become so much worse (exactly as you described), and so we lasted barely a year.
Then Covid.
Now?? I don’t know! I am falling in love with the French, so tempted to explore those parts for our next chapter…
The name “Melia” came to me in a dream one night, whilst I was struggling on a pen-name for my personal brand pivot (my last name is Kazantzaki, so not exactly an easy handle when exchanging Insta at networking events 🫠). I bet it’s not a coincidence!!! 🩷🩷🩷
Thank you for sharing your story Mara and validating mine! I know I am not the only one experiencing the Box! It's a real thing here! And while everyone in any country has different relationships of course, I found the difference is Brits do not mix them! It's sad but what can you do.
I am sorry things got worse for you in Brighton. That must be so isolating and frustrating. I feel you. Currently I am in a town in Kent and it feels similar.
I hope you find a new way forward and will be able to find the right tribe around you once again! Sending you so much love!
Omg Nadia, this is exactly what I have been feeling since I moved to the UK 😭😭😭 I thought that I am crazy but now, I can see I am not the only one. I am Latin girls and we are so warm people, my house is my friend’s house , I can invite you my family to go out with my friends and vice versa but here, it’s complicated . It is a difficult journey …… I hope to survive …. Thank you for sharing Nadia❤️❤️❤️
You are definitely not crazy, most expats I meet here feel this way! I am sorry you are having a hard time Erika! I hope you find lots of other expats like you who you can build a new family with!!!
Perhaps because my friends are my chosen family, I cannot imagine not having them in my home. They are so wonderful that I can’t imagine not having them know each other.
Now my blood relatives hehe, that’s different But I was raised very closed off, so perhaps I rebelled? Hmm. I must ponder more over this.
Thank you so much for this piece! It was absolutely fantastic. I am a white Brit who married an Indo-Fijian Australian and now lives in a majority migrant community in Germany (with him, ofc haha). You have just described something about my own upbringing and tendencies in socialising that I could never quite put into words. At the start of our relationship there were these moments of clashing about the "aesthetics" (is how I have always described it) of our relationships with other people - I was trying to compartmentalise things in the way you've described. I've since had my walls smoothed down quite a bit after over 7 years of living out of the UK (a good thing!) and I find the tension is the other way around when I visit home now. The compartmentalising tendency has started to grate on me but I never had words for it before! When I come home now, I find myself frustrated and sad about how isolated my family and friends seem comparatively. I never thought of it this way before! Basically, just wanted to say thank you! Will be sharing this piece with my partner!
Thank you for sharing your story Oli! I appreciate that so much! It's so fascinating how time spent inside a different experience has changed you! That gives me hope 😄
Nadia, you always speak to me with your writing but this is so on point. I think about this habitually lately as I experience it to a painful degree in the hyper independent community of the Pacific Northwest in the states. Which now has me thinking… is this weather and vitamin d deficiency driven 🤔
🤎🤎
Thank you for reading and leaving love on the page!
Oh boy! Nailed it 😱 That's exactly how I feel about my friendhips here. I need my expat friendships as much as I need my irish friendship. Friendship because I'm only close to one local after nearly 10 years 🤣
I am sorry you are experiencing it too!
Another beautiful piece to read, thank you. I find this subject really fascinating as I grew up in England, then lived in Paris for over a decade, and now live in Scotland. I value reading what you have to say about living here, as I know all too well what it is to live somewhere and feel at home there, and yet feel never quite connected to society in the same way as the people who were born there do. I often wondered if it was me, despite having a career there, speaking the language fluently, integrating to the best of my ability, some places and situations made me feel like a complete outsider because I couldn't quite understand the societal codes/expectations. Or, maybe I did understand them but they just felt for want of a better word 'foreign' to me. I think that the English (specifically) can be quite a guarded people — until they've had a drink which helps with social lubrification immensely. For example, I hated being expected to touch faces (kiss on the cheek) to say hi to people I'd never met before (and may never meet again) at gatherings in France, the English can be really reserved in that way and I am one of them. And yes, our homes can be quite closed. Your understanding of the meaning behind the question, "What are your plans for the rest of the day?" is very astute and completely accurate. I had never consciously realised that part of the purpose of that question is to remind you that you will not be staying where you are for much longer. I think that historical Englishness (all the formality, distance and politeness) has now merged with modern day capitalistic individualism quite seamlessly and we don't even realise the rich connections that we are missing out on from behind our closed front doors. What I will say is that Scotland (specifically the places with fewer English people) is more welcoming and community focused (unfortunately I have little knowledge of Wales to speak of, but I would hazard a guess that it's similar to Scotland). It no doubt still falls short of the community spirit which you (understandably) yearn for, but it is a step away from English approach. I, personally, found Paris to be an extremely lonely place to live, and only when I had a child did I realise that finding a community that you not only feel safe in, but also welcome and comfortable, is extremely important. I wish I had realised this when I was much younger and gone in earnest search for it, rather than settling for what I knew. Thanks again for a great read.
Thank you for sharing your story and your experience here Victoria, I appreciate you ❤️ I am glad you found a place that matches the people and I hope you can build a community life there that makes you feel really full and safe and loved. It's so so precious when we find it.
really loved reading this article, i’m not a third culture person by any means, but an American that’s a child of african immigrants (so i guess 2nd culture? lol idk) but i’ve always wanted to live abroad for a year. I don’t know that Americans are like this but maybe as a result of having an overprotective family lol i kind of grew up like this (school friends are only AT school, no play dates) (church friends are only AT church, etc) (family should be prioritized over friends) and am trying to break out of it as i have almost a mental box even tho theoretically i CAN start mixing these boxes i have a lot of anxiety about it but im trying to move past that day by day person by person.
This is so beautiful Bel! I love that you recognised the boxes for yourself and are doing something about them. You will need this skill, especially when you move abroad! I am super excited for you!!!
You have articulated perfectly my feelings about living here the last 11 years. My best friend from Canada who was from the same region just move back two days ago to our home province. I am bereft. I love London, every time I am out, I feel as if I am exactly where I am meant to be. However, socially…I grieve my home and my past self/community. As you said, there is a shared vulnerability when you meet people not from here, an understanding. Our shared homeland/warmth that we’ve found in each other but have had more difficulty in creating with other Brits, although we try our best. I miss the ease and openness of social interactions in Canada and fear that I am also becoming someone whose home is becoming non-social due to my British partner. Thank you for your post, it’s resonated so deeply with me, your articulation of our shared thoughts I found deeply comforting. x
Thank you so much for sharing your sentiments too! It comforts me as well! After 8 years and countless encounters and conversations I definitely know I am not alone thinking this, but I was still worried about sharing it. I am sorry you have been having similar experiences. We can only try to do it our way and stick to people who are open to it too. Sending you love ❤️
Yesssssssss! Are we the same person Nadia !!!! I can say so much on this. You’re killing it !
Maybe we are haha 😄 Would love to hear your stories on this!
I have never come across a piece of writing on this topic, let alone one so beautiful and resonant. For years, I lived in Washington state (a gorgeous place) and had no sense of belonging to the people. When I left there four years ago for New York state, it was leaving the place I grieved - the place had been my family and friends - not the people. In New York, I have found belonging with people that I don't think I've ever experienced outside the manufactured and conditional belonging of religion. The place has grown on me and I feel a belonging in that as well, but it's the people that root me here. And I think you're right, that those who know what it's like to not belong to others are more intentional and generous in leaving space for others to come in. Thank you so much for putting this into words.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts Phoenix! So true what you said about the conditional belonging of religion! Church was the only place in the UK where I found that togetherness more but as soon as I left church, the friendships left me. I am glad you found belonging of people where you are now, it is such a precious gift. Sending all my love x
I get this in my bones, as a Canadian of Egyptian origin whose Egyptian side opens up the spaces and whose Canadian side does this way less. For what it’s worth, I have some friends (read: white, no third culture) who want to get all the people together. Recently one of the reached out to bring our fams … I wanted to meet but my dad was visiting and she said, ‘bring him too! I’d love to see him!’ It warmed my heart.
Ah this is so beautiful Noha! 🥹 I am so glad you are experiencing new things, rewriting old stories. Much much love to you!!!
Such a good read. I didn't experience real community until I moved from a huge city to a small town. It's lovely and warm. And I am only able to experience and offer it now because the people here showed me, taught me...just as you are doing in this writing. Bravo, Maestra.
I am so happy you found that Anna! It is truly special. Small town living in the UK is even worse for me 😄 Maybe it's alright for Brits, but I feel even more alienated where I am at the moment, which is a small place. This expat stuff is hard!
Grateful for this context. It reminds me of the faux politeness I experience here is the south (US). Always smiling, rarely connecting.
I can imagine Jamal. From what I have experienced in the US I found it hard to get into the deep end with people, to be a part of each others lives. I hope you get to make your community in the place you are in now, or the next.
Nadia, oh my goodness…. As a Greek expat, living in London for twenty years (came for Uni, fell in love with my now husband, and stayed), I had completely forgotten this feeling…
The Box!!! 😳
You reminded me this, so well!
I must have forgotten it because since having children, our lives turned completely upside down, and friendships formed through blood, sweat, poop, and tears, between us mums with young babies, who had to put the media career on hold, but hey, we had a glass of Vino at 5pm-ish in the gated development, whilst the kids played with their scooters safely, and we were all in and out of each others homes…
But that was only one chapter.
Then we moved to a bigger place, in Brighton (!!), only for things to become so much worse (exactly as you described), and so we lasted barely a year.
Then Covid.
Now?? I don’t know! I am falling in love with the French, so tempted to explore those parts for our next chapter…
Random: I forgot your last name was honey 🥰
The name “Melia” came to me in a dream one night, whilst I was struggling on a pen-name for my personal brand pivot (my last name is Kazantzaki, so not exactly an easy handle when exchanging Insta at networking events 🫠). I bet it’s not a coincidence!!! 🩷🩷🩷
Thank you for sharing your story Mara and validating mine! I know I am not the only one experiencing the Box! It's a real thing here! And while everyone in any country has different relationships of course, I found the difference is Brits do not mix them! It's sad but what can you do.
I am sorry things got worse for you in Brighton. That must be so isolating and frustrating. I feel you. Currently I am in a town in Kent and it feels similar.
I hope you find a new way forward and will be able to find the right tribe around you once again! Sending you so much love!
Thanks so much, lots of love to you too 💕
You might as well described the USA in sorts :):) I get it.
I know you do friend 💔
Omg Nadia, this is exactly what I have been feeling since I moved to the UK 😭😭😭 I thought that I am crazy but now, I can see I am not the only one. I am Latin girls and we are so warm people, my house is my friend’s house , I can invite you my family to go out with my friends and vice versa but here, it’s complicated . It is a difficult journey …… I hope to survive …. Thank you for sharing Nadia❤️❤️❤️
You are definitely not crazy, most expats I meet here feel this way! I am sorry you are having a hard time Erika! I hope you find lots of other expats like you who you can build a new family with!!!
Perhaps because my friends are my chosen family, I cannot imagine not having them in my home. They are so wonderful that I can’t imagine not having them know each other.
Now my blood relatives hehe, that’s different But I was raised very closed off, so perhaps I rebelled? Hmm. I must ponder more over this.
I feel the same way. It's a natural reflex to want to bring my friends together, because they are all great and I want them to know each other. ❤️
Thank you so much for this piece! It was absolutely fantastic. I am a white Brit who married an Indo-Fijian Australian and now lives in a majority migrant community in Germany (with him, ofc haha). You have just described something about my own upbringing and tendencies in socialising that I could never quite put into words. At the start of our relationship there were these moments of clashing about the "aesthetics" (is how I have always described it) of our relationships with other people - I was trying to compartmentalise things in the way you've described. I've since had my walls smoothed down quite a bit after over 7 years of living out of the UK (a good thing!) and I find the tension is the other way around when I visit home now. The compartmentalising tendency has started to grate on me but I never had words for it before! When I come home now, I find myself frustrated and sad about how isolated my family and friends seem comparatively. I never thought of it this way before! Basically, just wanted to say thank you! Will be sharing this piece with my partner!
Thank you for sharing your story Oli! I appreciate that so much! It's so fascinating how time spent inside a different experience has changed you! That gives me hope 😄
100% this! Also a Brit living in Germany with a German and I feel like I’ve been so blind to it until recently.
Nadia, you always speak to me with your writing but this is so on point. I think about this habitually lately as I experience it to a painful degree in the hyper independent community of the Pacific Northwest in the states. Which now has me thinking… is this weather and vitamin d deficiency driven 🤔
Appreciate you 🫶🏼
It could be due to the weather partially! I actually have heard other people say this too! Who knows 😂