What is a (good) life?
I am only beginning to find out.
“I hope I die
warmed
by the life that I tried to live.”
Nikki Giovanni, The life I led
This week I celebrated 39 years of life. The feelings were abundant, as so often on birthdays. Some massively big, overwhelming, deafening. Some like soft whispers, gently brushing along the surface of my heart. All contradicting each other, dancing together in a swirl inside of me. The sweetness of being showered with kisses, hugs, pancakes, gifts and songs. The bitter sting of silence and absence of loved ones that should have been there. The despair of seeing people die on my screen, scream in fear, while I was held safely, entering a new year of life.
It’s a sombering feeling, to celebrate life in the midst of a live-streamed genocide. To feel a splash of joy while others only see death. The tremendous privilege of it all. The pain of it all. The unfairness of it all.
For far too long I thought a good life was one where people knew my name. Now I know that a good life is one where I know me. A life of looking in the mirror without shame. I thought a good life is one filled with things. But I know now that a good life is one where I am both fully known and deeply loved. A life where I inhabit a peaceful mind. I thought a good life was about protecting myself, guarding my heart at all costs. But I want the courage to let life touch me, bruise me. I am learning that life will always do that and there's beauty in that too. My good life means finding joy in fragile places, not just in blindingly bright ones.
I thought a good life meant evading pain, but I know now that my safety is in taking the step that's the truest to me. A good life is moving with intention and still taking risks. A good life is grounded py peace and also fuelled by it. Peace is not just the anchor - peace is the sail too. A life knowing the difference between reputation and character and not letting myself be swayed by the former. A life with roots that spread joyfully to reach deeper, to nourish our neighbours roots and be nourished by them. A good life is one where the fear is soft because there are hands to hold when it’s dark. A life in which tomorrow feels possible and today isn’t scary. A good life means being with people and forgetting the time. It is a life where hope doesn’t feel hopeless and dreaming doesn’t hurt. A life in which I am loved not just for my beautiful flowers but also my dead leaves and my dark roots. A life collecting people like pearls on a string, creating a beautiful treasure. My good life is one where I bring people together instead of keeping them apart. It’s a life saying what is true and doing what is right. A life of never looking away. A good life is a life of following my intuition, a life of forgiving myself and others. A life with home cooked meals and trees in front of the house and wildflowers around it. With conversations that carry on late at night and cats sitting on the window sill. Where doing the dishes can be art and beauty is found everywhere. A life with kisses and love-making, a life trying to grow vegetables and open windows when it rains. A life with dancing in the kitchen and down supermarket aisles. A life where tears are embraced and the truth is told and there is no disguise. A life with belly laughs and a table with space for friends and friends of friends. A life where family means something else, a life without walls. A life with dirty feet. Paint brushes and books. A life, full to the brim. A life of freedom and belonging. This is my good life.
I am quite obsessed with you, Nadia. You are *divine* — and I mean that in the Wendy “🫳🏾 How you duuurn 🫳🏾” way and in the shining luminescence of the numinous way. Thank you for this ✨
Wow! This just takes my breath away. A good life, indeed. A gorgeous life.❤️ Happy birthday, again! I wish for you this life; nobody could have described it better.