I take in the news calmly. I rip out another page. I feed the flames with more paper. I watch the fire eat his name. I feel disbelief. I laugh. I shake my head. I am free. Grief has left my body. I look for it thoughtfully. I cannot find it anywhere on my skin, along my curves and edges, nor in the spaces inside of me.
We lie in the grass, surrounded by daisies, stretching our tired bodies in the spring sunshine.
”What good is it to tell the truth?” I ask her.
”Because it made you loose both of them and that is a good thing”, she replies. I laugh. Truth makes us loose things.
They say people with Adhd are bad liars. They say that as if it is a bad thing. A small part of me thinks, I wish I could have acted smart. Instead I acted honest. I sigh.
”What good is it to tell the truth?” I write on a piece of paper. I put the pen down.
which is to say, ‘…if it doesn’t get me what I want?'
The answer flies to me, it lands on the page softly, like a butterfly.
I don’t speak the truth to get the outcome I want.
First and foremost I speak the truth for myself. Because I cannot do otherwise. Because I have to.
I can hope for an outcome, but with the truth, you never know what will happen. You are not guaranteed anything. In fact, sometimes you get the opposite of what you hope for.
’But what is it that I really want?’
The only thing I get from speaking the truth is knowing I am in integrity. Doesn’t seem like much in a moment of pain, does it? The pen across the page reminds me that it is, it is, it is. Integrity is my highest value and there is no price I am willing to pay to compromise it.
I learned that the truth can make you lonely, while lies always find company.
But when we speak the truth we only loose the wrong things.
I tell the truth because it makes me free. No matter the outcome.
I look up and squint into the bright midday sun.
There are two blue butterflies swirling around the rosemary bush.
“I tell the truth because it sets me free. No matter the outcome.” Thank you for always showing and reminding me how to live x