The coward and the fool.

The fool wanted love. The coward wanted sex. The sad truth is they both wanted the same thing, one was simply braver than the other.

He is still inside of her, his chest close to her heart, his head resting on his hand. He looks down at her with soft eyes, whispers 'holy shit' with a smile. 'I had sex with -the fool-', and his smile grows wider.
The coward had the sunniest smile.
And the fool forgot everything when she saw it.

She remembers feeling so tender for him. It was unexpected, and the fool felt connected, when in reality, she was alone. It took her months to understand this moment. To see it clearly, that she was nothing but a trophy to him. A shiny object the coward desired until he had it.

The coward finds her exciting as long as the fool doesn’t get too close to him, as long as he can stay in his sad little comfort zone of emotional isolation, as long as she doesn’t touch that spot in his heart, he is happy with her touching his skin.

The coward only ever wants to touch the fool’s surface and then says 'sorry' when that's not what she wants. The fool doesn’t stay on the surface and once the coward realises this, he is scared. He masks his fear behind avoidance. He tries to keep the upper hand, to desperately stay in control, because feeling something feels incontrollable and big.

The fool is scared of being abandoned, of losing what she thinks is connection and so she tries to stay in control too, because the fool wants to be loved. The fool thinks she is ready for love but she is looking for it in the wrong place. Ignoring the feeling in the pit of her stomach warning her.

The fool starts to pull in one direction, the coward pulls in the other, while they both deeply desire the same thing.

Instead of staying present and facing the truth, the coward goes and finds a different person, on the search for something else, on the search for what he also runs away from, on the search for love, but he fights it with all his might when the possibility of it is in front of him. Before this night, the coward wanted someone else - purely because she didn't want him and he couldn’t have her. Then he found this fool and he wanted her until she wanted him, then he didn't any longer.

Instead of staying present and facing the truth, the fool holds on to the coward for dear life. Knocking on the wrong door. The fool wants to be loved and is terrified of being abandoned, of reliving the story, of not being enough.
If she can just get him to love her, the fool thinks, it will proof that she is worthy.
The fool is honest and hopes that honesty will change his mind, but she is throwing her pearls to the pigs. Because cowards, by definition, are liars.

The coward will keep searching and think that someone else is the solution until they become the problem. The person he wants will always be wrong when he is terrified of being seen. And there is nobody better, nobody more right - there is just the coward, perpetually scared and running from what he actually desires.
Forever thinking that the next person will give him more or better. More love, more wisdom, more change, more fun, more connection, more something, but he will be left with less every time because more of everything starts with him. The coward swallows things he says will give him enlightenment - but how come he is so unwise? The promised medicine doesn’t heal his shipwreck. Only deep emotional work does that. But the coward is too much of a coward for that.

The coward doesn’t want to get close to someone else, that would mean getting closer to himself and he is scared of that reflection. He is afraid of himself, the sober, lucid, wide awake confrontation with who he is. Afraid of what only real intimacy and connection can show him. The coward runs and hopes that will work out for him. He takes what he wants and then avoids looking his actions in the face. He stares at the fool with cold, empty eyes. The sunny smile that the fool loved so much is gone.

The fool still believes she can turn things around. That maybe now, after time has passed, he will change his answer.
The fool has a wounded little girl inside who is still asking if she is loveable. And she is still asking the wrong person, who instead of answers gives her silence. The fool opens up the door again, hopeful and careful. Sometimes bravery is just the same as foolishness.

The coward has a wounded little boy inside that runs the show. He claims he doesn’t know how to be intimate and that he just doesn’t know how to do this, but he is not taking a chance, except on his friendship with the fool. That was worth the risk to him. He hides his lies well, his fears and his real feelings - the others don't know what the fool knows, they haven't seen the coward in the dark.

He wraps himself in just enough light so he won't be found out, in order to be around people, disguised, hoping they won't know. But his mask can't hide who he is. When someone comes close the coward shows his thorns.

The fool thought that maybe he would let her love the thorns. But he had to be the the first one to hurt her, so that she couldn’t hurt him.

The fool betrays herself and calls it courage.

The coward lies to himself and calls it truth.

While the coward doesn’t miss the fool, the fool shows all of her heart to him. He wipes the tears from her face and remains silent. It will be the last time they touch. The coward doesn't feel anything, but he can always feed off someone else's emotions; for a while that will work.

He is empty inside and he hides it by speaking in flowers.