Shameless living in the light

Failing at being non-chalant

Apparently one of the meanings of my name in arabic is ‘the caller, announcer’. And for better or worse, I live up to it constantly.
“Are you exhausted with me?” I ask my friend. “Me, calling everything out, questioning everything, is it tiring?” I ask because I am tired of myself right now, wishing I could be like other people. Chill, non-chalant, not having to talk about everything, not rocking the boat, not making it that deep. I wish I wasn’t always the one trying to figure it out, the one sensing the thing that is suspended in the air and needing to speak it. I am exhausted and frazzled whenever I try to be ‘normal’ and I am also exhausted by being me.
”I am not going to lie, it’s challenging”, they say. “But it’s also so necessary. It’s confronting because it’s scary. Most people don’t go that far, especially not in friendships. And yet, this is relating. This is how we grow. This is how we love.”

People are cowards. They are scared when light shines in areas they would rather be left in the dark. The people brave enough to speak the truth and ask for truth are rare. Both require being light and being darkness, meaning, being shameless and unafraid. But for the ones who do, the reward is a life-giving kind of love. A see-through kind of life. Liberation can’t happen without light flooding every corner. Liberation can’t happen without embodying our darkness too. Embracing both, fully. Because being afraid to embody your darkness means you cannot fully be a light either.
I decided years ago to live shamelessly. I am not afraid to be wrong. I am not afraid of being called out. I am not afraid to look at the ugly truth about myself. No shame. I want liberated relationships. Therefore I speak truth. Therefore I demand truth. But I learned that most people are not like that. They don’t actually like the truth. About themselves or others.
People love me when they first meet me. They love my light. My honesty. My passion. Until they don’t. I learned that the people who are attracted to your light, are not always the ones who can also hold your darkness. And the people who love your light don’t always love when it illuminates their darkness. I used to think the purpose of my light was to eliminate my darkness. Now I know its purpose is to show me my darkness so I can embrace it. Tend to it. Mend it. This has a domino effect on other people.
But being light is exhausting. Ironically, it isn’t actually light and easy, soft or cute. It is a heavy responsibility, a calling, a life’s work, a baton you either take on or you don’t.
There is no going back once you turn on the light. Gradually, eventually, it will reach everything. The dark parts of me wince when the light touches them. So do the dark parts of you. Eyes hurt. Skin naked and vulnerable. Heart racing.
But when you are light and embody darkness, you cannot be anything else. Once you are shameless, once the fear of being really seen is gone, you are free. And you don’t know how to go back anymore. Sometimes I try. Sometimes when I am tired, I want to be non-chalant. I want to remain quiet. I don’t want to be the caller. In those moments, every fiber of my being feels wrong. It is not who I am. Cool doesn’t suit me. It only leads to more death, isolation and long-term suffering. Being light might mean feeling momentary pain - but ultimately it leads to liberation.