I am used to define myself by my past. When I lost my identities, I started building an identity out of the things that happened to me.
I made my identity about my struggles. About the things I lacked, the things I lost.
It was easy to define myself by what I wasn’t, because that was very obvious to me.
Who I could be on the other hand, was too vague. It was too endless, limitless, not real, it wasn’t obvious, even possible in my mind, it was just a mirage, a dream.
Who I was was a familiar, comfortable story, like old slippers you slide into at the end of the day, molded to your feet, they fit perfectly. The sole might be too worn off and maybe they smell a bit and you should definitely replace them, but they fit so well.
Who I could be was unfamiliar, therefore uncomfortable and scary.
When people asked me to describe myself, my instinct was to talk about the hardships I have been through.
I do that because that is first and foremost how I think about myself. I think about pain.
"I am this" because "I overcame this". The trauma of my childhood, my sad marriage and divorce, deconstructing my worldview and belief system, loosing every single pilar my identity was build on.
I talk about the stories of my past a lot and reflect on them a lot and generally exist in the past A LOT.
My identity was build mostly on the pain I’ve been through.
There's no denying all of the above play a big part in who I am.
But there’s a difference between acknowledging my stories and letting my stories define me.
What if I defined myself by my potential instead of just my pain?
One of the main reasons people don’t leave bad situations is because they don’t even know another option is possible.
Maybe I kept talking about the past because I couldn’t see who I could be in the future?
To be fair, nobody can predict who they are going to be - I certainly have become someone beyond my own wildest imagination from a few years ago.
Isn’t this the beauty of it? If anything, haven’t I learned that identity is fluid and it’s best to keep it open to constant re-invention?
Especially if you stay curious and always a little bit dissatisfied with the status quo - there is no telling who you could become.
A few weeks from turning 37 I am done romanticising my past. I want to romanticise my future instead.
The woman I have yet to meet. The one I can create. I want to define myself not only by what was by what could be.
The past is a bridge. Once I cross it, I don’t have to go back and walk over it again and again.
I want to dream more, dare even more. I want to hold space in my heart for the woman that was, for the heartbreak and grief that brought me here - while making even more space for possibility.
If this resonates with you, let me and others know by leaving a comment, let’s build community ♥︎
Past and possibility
This was one of those letters that I read and then mark as unread to come back to. Possibility feels like a big word that has dropped into my being in the past month or so. It's so open and forward-focused. So here for that. Thank you for your words.
Thank you for this wonderful “aha-moment-generating” letter ❤️ Your words will stay with me for a long time - thank you!