There’s a lot of cute infographics online about cutting people off who don’t align with what you want, friends who don’t have the same drive as you. Don’t have the same goals. Don’t pursue the same things. Sometimes it sounds like letting friends go who are going through a hard time, because, hey, they are dragging you down, so fuck them.
It’s an interesting narrative and worrying trend because while there is no perfect answer to this, I believe this mindset encourages us to not develop conflict resolution skills, to avoid important conversations and ultimately growth. It leads to friendships ending when maybe, they didn’t have to.
Personally, I have cut off a handful of people in my life, and each time for severe reasons: like betraying my trust or making me feel unsafe through covert racism. When people fracture my most important values, I have no tolerance.
I have also reached out to people again after loosing touch or doing them wrong because conflict resolution is what I do - and what I need (hello anxious attachment). Connection is important to me and if I have to let people go, I never do it without a resolution and conversation. I h a t e not doing that to my core. “It just fizzled out and we never talked about it” is something I do not understand and for some people just an excuse for emotional immaturity. ‘Letting things fizzle out’ is also different from allowing people space in their evolution.
A few weeks ago my dear friend sent me this text:
Receiving this text was so beautiful to me, because even the fact that my friend shared this sentiment with me, showed that she lives way less in the shadows then she thinks she does. It takes courage and vulnerability to admit something and I am grateful that the connection we have makes her feel safe to say this to me. Her sharing this with me is exactly the reason why we are friends. She embodies a value I deeply care about.
And I told her as much, even though at first I didn’t quite know how to respond to it.
We proceeded to have a beautiful conversation that I am excited to expand on. About our friendship, about alignment and living unapologetically,
“Why would you hide your lighthouse because of something that has to do with me”, she said truthfully in one of her voicenotes.
I have been there too and I still am sometimes. Feeling inadequate, at times even envious of a friend or a stranger, of what they’re doing, of who they are. It’s the awareness that this has to do with me and not them, that is so precious and important. I know the difference between being envious, intimidated or triggered. They are not the same. Whichever one of these feelings comes up, I always go inward first to ask myself where it’s coming from. Sometimes it’s a lack in my life, a desire I haven’t admitted to myself or a wound that someone has touched (at times it’s simply someone being a dickhead).
Here’s what I also believe about feelings of inadequacy: They are not always negative. When we feel intimidated by someone, sometimes they have been sent to us as a teacher. Not through lecturing, but through just living their life. Our soul desires to be / do something that that person is doing / being. That’s why we are attracted to them. And being near them is actually giving us a push and a roadmap to get to where we really want to be. Because they are modeling to us how to.
Do we need to be the same to be friends? Do we need to want the same things? Believe the same things? Follow the same dreams? Do we need to have the same hobbies or interests and like the same music?
I distinguish between material and non-material things. I have close friends who have a very different lifestyle from me, different material goals. I don’t believe those have to be the same at all.
The non-material things, those are vital. We don’t have to have the same life. We have to want to live with the same heart:
honest, integrous and brave. Applying all of these to ourselves and others.
So how do differences, nuance, goals and complexities come into play in relation to others? Here’s how I see friendship / collective love / any relationship: