Love is a skill.

Nothing says Love like a breakup and 49 promotional emails

Yesterday I wished a friend a Happy Valentine’s Day and they asked me if V Day was something I cared for or celebrated. It’s not, but I also don’t mind it at all. Like any other holiday, aside from the capitalist circus it is, I just see it as a reminder. And it’s nice to be reminded of love. Nothing says Love like the 49 promotional emails I had in my inbox offering me Valentine’s Day discounts.

I had an accident at the start of the week and have been horizontal, not able to move much, so from the confinement of my injury bed, I had plenty of time to be online, unsubscribe from Valentine’s Day emails and be exposed to the ‘day of love’ more than I would have liked to.

My year started off with a broken heart and broken promises. I trusted someone who told me they were “ready to be a husband, ready to love” who promised me “forever” who claimed this was ‘different’. Their actions, however, reminded me that attraction is an emotion, but readiness is a choice.

Over the last month I have been journaling a lot about love, what it is, what it asks of us. Of me. Love asked me to break open. To get my hands dirty with the unglamorous work of growing. Love asked me to risk. Love asked me to go first and put my pride aside. Love asked me to unearth childhood ideas of love that have been keeping me stuck. It felt like ripping out my guts. Highly recommend it. Love asked me to confront my shame. Love asked me to look beyond my own life, to look at the world that breaks my heart open every day. Love asked me to expand beyond what I thought possible so many times that my heart is full of beautiful stretch marks. Love asked me to let my values guide me, to let them challenge my understanding of this small, big word: Love.

As a former Christian and former wedding photographer I have heard more renditions of Corinthians 13 than I can count. It must have been thousands. Even if you are not familiar with the Bible, I am certain you have seen these words before. A lot of people don’t even know they come from the Bible. I do still very much like the passage and the fact that it ends with saying love is greater than faith even, greater than hope. It’s something I deeply agree with. In moments when I don’t believe anything, and don’t hope for anything, the only thing to keep me going was love. (Not gods love, to be clear).
Corinthians 13 was on my mind this week, as we’ve been flooded with red balloon hearts, valentines offers and gushing social media posts from couples. It is fascinating for me to see how people describe their partners, the things they chose to highlight about them and how they describe love. It makes you think, doesn’t it?
One thing that is clear during this week of the year, is how much people struggle to describe love, to define it. To name it and understand it.

Now, I won’t claim to have any perfectly finished definition of what love is, but I know what it is to me. I do believe we need to be better at defining and understanding love, in order to build it. We have been so fooled by movies, fairytales, books and even poetry to gobble up the idea that love just is this elusive thing, that it is mystifying, that love evades any sort of definition, that it’s so strong and beyond our grasp, it’s just this “feeling” that you can’t describe.
It’s pure BS.

I love these passages by Bell Hooks:

”Definitions are vital starting points for the imagination. What we cannot imagine cannot come into being. A good definition marks a starting point and lets us know where we want to end up. As we move toward our desired destination we chart the journey, creating a map. We need a map to guide us on our journey to love - starting with the place where we know what we mean when we speak of love.
To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility. We are often taught we have no control over our "feelings." Yet most of us accept that we choose our actions, that intention and will inform what we do. We also accept that our actions have consequences. To think of actions shaping feelings is one way we rid ourselves of conventionally accepted assumptions such as that parents love their children, or that one simply "falls" in love without exercising will or choice, that there are such things as "crimes of passion," i.e. he killed her because he loved her so much. If we were constantly remembering that love is as love does, we would not use the word in a manner that devalues and degrades its meaning.”
Bell Hooks, All about love (Truly, one of the greatest books out there)


My Hinge profile used to state what I believe about relationships: That they are a container for mutual growth, challenge, peace and inspiration. A safe space but not a comfort zone.

(Did any of the men reading this understand it? No. But that’s a story for another day)

I believe this about all relationships, not just romantic ones, but depending on proximity and intimacy, the levels to which we experience the above will vary.
In a nutshell, this to me is what love means. It’s highly practical and not simply about ‘feeling good’.

Among my close friends, this is our agreement. We keep showing up for each other even when it sucks doing so. We practice love as a verb. As best as we can with what we have. We want to grow together. Do we fail and disappoint each other? Constantly. And we keep going and try again. Personally, it takes a lot for me to abandon a friendship. I normally happens only after someone has slipped away first. Until then, I keep showing up and I keep trying.
Leo levels of loyalty here.
If I see you don’t want it - that’s when I reach my point of no return.
I have learned not to beg for love anymore. But there is a difference between begging for love and building love. Begging for love and fighting for love.

Outside of my small circle, and especially in the romantic department, I see people with the limited emotional belief that love will just work if they find the ‘right’ one. They expect this magical unicorn person will make them change, that they will make love feel ‘easy,’ instead of looking inward first. This happens in friendships too.

”We think that love is the problem of an object. Not the problem of a faculty. People think that to love is simple, but to find the right object to love - or be loved by - is difficult.
Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.
Love isn’t something natural. Rather it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of narcissism. It isn’t a feeling, it is a practice.”
Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

My copy of Erich Fromm’s book is faded and worn out. I don’t necessarily agree with all that he says, but there are such rich things to be found in it.
I love reading and learning about love. A lot of people I know don’t, because, once again, of the false belief that love is just too abstract to understand it. Respectfully, you bought into a lie.
Educate yourself on love. Sit and listen at the feet of people who are doing it, who grow in love as a practice. Examine your own ideas of love and what flawed foundations of love were laid for you early in your life.
Why do we believe we’ll just automatically be good at love? Or that the right person will make us good at it? We think because love is something we feel, it must mean it comes naturally. Sure, the feeling comes naturally. The feeling costs nothing. But love the verb? It costs us everything.
Love is a skill.
And as with every skill, it needs to be developed. Love is not a feeling. Love is a verb. Love is not something you fall into. You don’t find love. You build love. You tend to love. You practice love. Love is work. Love is always movement. Love is showing up when it’s inconvenient. Love is speaking when it’s uncomfortable. Love is staying when you’d rather walk away. Love is steady. Love is relentless. Love is the fire you keep lit. When the sparks fade, you keep feeding it, like a hearth in the home, like a fireplace, it needs consistent attention to stay warm.
Love invites us into growth, into moving past what we’ve always been comfortable doing. Love invites us to change the story, to write a new ending. Love doesn’t ask, How can I win? Love asks, How can we solve this together? Love doesn’t end at the edges of your own heart. Love asks for more. Love refuses passivity. Love considers. Love anticipates. Love moves through streets in protest. Love is loud. Love fights for what is right. Love has imagination. Love is not limited to what is now. Love can see the future. Love dreams up a new world. Love demands better. Love is the work. Love is a choice. Love steps up when it is called. Love is alive and intentional. Love is deeply messy because it is human. Love is both a resting place and the threshold of discomfort. Love is radical. Love insists. Love grows. Love moves. And if you can’t or won’t follow it there, you have not truly known it yet.
What is love worth, if it’s not an action?