Losing my reputation

When I got this candle as a gift two years ago, I thought I would never burn it, because it looked so beautiful I didn’t want to ruin it. But then one night I did. When I looked at it the next morning, something from my past popped into my head.

Looking at the ‘ruined’ melted body, I thought of all the toxic metaphors that were used in church that likened having sex before marriage to being a 'chewed-up- piece of gum' a 'ripped-up-christmas-present-before-christmas' a 'dirty-sneaker' or a 'licked-piece-of-chocolate' (‘would you eat a piece of chocolate if someone else licked it before you?’).

I thought of all the years I spent preserving the packaging neat and perfect. Trying to keep up an external facade for some later reward. Pretended to be someone I thought I had to and be ashamed for things that are completely normal. All the time spent tucking away a huge part of my humanity. Separating my body from the rest of me. Living in pieces, not as a whole. This didn’t just concern sexuality. It concerned everything. When you learn to split yourself into multiple parts in the name of Jesus, you can do it with anything.
You hide.
All the years proclaiming to be free of shame, guilt and fear.
When they really had me in a chokehold I wasn’t even aware of.

How many times since then have I heard the same words.
You don’t recognise me anymore? I hope so. I hope I have changed more into myself since the last time we spoke. I hope every day the genuine human in me comes through more, shedding a bit more of the conditioning that enveloped me without my consent.
You don’t recognise me because now I wear no disguise. The person you knew was playing the role of herself.

What you think is imperfect, not christian enough, too much of something and not enough of something else - is real. It’s perfect because it is real.

I painstakingly gathered all my pieces and put them together again. Learned how to be in my body. Learned how to heal it. How to be whole. Learned that reputation is not the same as character.
Reputation is what others think of you. Character is who you are and it’s the only thing that matters.
Loosing my reputation was the best gift I have ever given to myself.
It truly freed me from the shame, fear and guilt I carried my whole life and allowed me to finally be fully human, something I could never be within Christianity.

When we dive into our humanity, things might not look ‘perfect’ anymore, not ‘put together’, but that’s exactly what is truly perfect and beautiful.