Someone on the internet commented something under one of my captions once that I don’t quite remember, but it sounded like I hope you’re ok, you seem so sad lately. I have been joking ever since about the fact that some people online must think “I am a miserable person because of what I write”
If you are subscribed here, you are probably not one of those people. If you read me, I assume strongly that you are capable of more range than that.
I don’t know what to tell you, somehow my funny side doesn’t flow into my writing : )
The other day on the train I saw someone read a book called ‘good vibes’ and I snorted a little bit out loud. There’s probably nothing I loathe more than the expression ‘good vibes’. Or the word vibes for that matter. I don’t like it when one word is used to describe everything. Like, w h a t d o y o u m e a n?
There are a million gorgeous words one can use to paint a picture. Using one and the same word all the time like ‘cool’ or ‘vibes’ makes everything sound meaningless.
This was not supposed to be a rant about etymology though - hello from my ADHD brain! - oh by the way, apparently I have ADHD, did I not tell you that?
Ok back to what I actually wanted to say.
You and I, we both know people who are all about the good vibes only. I used to be married to one. And I meet them all the time.
The people who are always 'fine’, the people who deflect from talking about their emotions, who avoid feeling them because feeling anything other than ‘happy’ scares the shit out of them. The people who cannot hold space for others, who are deeply uncomfortable when faced with someone else’s pain and feel the need to fix it for them, so they don’t have to feel their own discomfort.
At some point in my life, I was that person too.
Sitting in the mud with yourself or someone else is hard. It seems easier to psyche yourself up, push down the pain, slap on a smile and shout ‘good vibes’ until you believe it.
I’ve got news for the ‘good vibes only’ crew:
you cannot compartmentalise your feelings.
If you don’t experience deep pain, you have no idea, what really good vibes are.
When you suppress your difficult emotions (we’re not calling them ‘bad’ over here, there are no bad emotions), you are suppressing all of them.
Your ability to feel is not packed in different boxes. It is one.
Deep joy and love can only be felt if you allow yourself to also feel deep pain, anger and sadness.
That can be scary when we don’t have the tools to know how to process the impact of our emotions. I wish this would be taught in school so we don’t have to spent money later on to learn it in therapy.
But it’s the only way to live life.
This morning while having tea tucked under a blanket I felt so light remembering pain points from the last few months and I was overwhelmed by a moment of truth.
I am so happy for my ability to feel everything deeply, for as long as I need to feel it - and then alchemise it into gold. Into wisdom. Into power. Into peace.
When you dive into the whole of your human emotions, you are really onto something. You are on your way to becoming fully alive.
If you want to be happy, you have to be brave.
image taken by my friend Claire Vögeli
Thank you for sharing these beautiful reflections, I couldn’t agree with you more ♥️