I rely on my ability to create joy.

Happiness is just a visitor.

I take my camera out at 7 am. Walk to the beach to catch the sunrise. Take in the view. A man and his dog cross my path. He has a fluffy set of white hair and deep lines carved into his face by life. The man, not the dog. “Good morning” he says, breaking into the brightest smile. It surprises me. He is contagious. I smile back.
While the man and his dog keep walking, I stop. Or rather, something makes me stop. Something moves inside of me. A feeling spreads. So sudden, I don’t know what it is at first. The way you run into someone you used to be close with and haven’t seen in years and you’re stunned for a moment, not sure if you’re seeing right. A dam is breaking. Unleashing mighty waters. Literally, because I start crying. The tears flow in that silent runny way, that you can’t help and can’t control, like breathing. I turn to face the rising sun and let the tears run down my face like little rivers.
I hadn’t felt this so consciously in a long time: I feel happy.

Happiness is a fleeting emotion and I like to distinguish it from joy. I am so glad I haven’t relied on happiness to live well - happiness is not stable enough to sustain you, to build life on. Joy is more intentional, directed, created, sought out.
I focus on joy, because I can create joy. Joy has deep roots. It’s there regardless of happiness. Happiness tends to come and go with the tides of life. With changing circumstances. Sometimes you feel happy and sometimes you just don’t feel it.
And I hadn’t felt it in so long.
I have made time to play, to rest, to see magic in the raindrops on a leaf and the colours of sunshine behind my closed eyelids. I have created joy in my intentions, my relationships, my existence. I have sought and found joy everywhere despite the unhappy circumstances I have found myself in.

It’s been so long that I didn’t realise it was happiness that came to visit me. I didn’t remember how it felt and it overwhelmed me when it came. We sit there in comfortable silence like two strangers sharing a bench in the sunshine.

And it is beautiful.

Then another feeling follows closely … I feel a flutter of anxiety. The familiar fear that happiness will leave again. That it’s so short. So passing. The wanting to hold on to it.
I sit and let the feelings tumble around inside of me. Let happiness come and go again. That’s what it does. I smile and let it be what it is.

A moment of happiness.

What a privilege.