How to pick the wrong friends
My anxious attachment is calling but this time, I am not picking up
She entered my life quietly. After a zoom we both attended. With a follow on Instagram. And a DM thanking me for attending the zoom. As you do. Normal enough. Happens all the time.
Then she asked to meet me. And she asked again. And again. And I said yes because there was no logical reason to say no, other than my intuition saying no.
But at the time I still didn't trust it. And I still had to learn a few times over that this feeling is my biggest power. That my trauma was not in the way as much as I thought it was. That I could finally finally trust myself, I just had to apply it.
I still had to learn a few times over that with relationships I always go to me first, asking what is wrong with me, what did I do, how did I make this happen - and while that self inquiry is a good thing to do, sometimes, it's not that you actively 'did' anything wrong, you just entertained someone who was not who they advertised they were. Someone who had to teach you how to trust yourself more. Through pain, mind you, but since you wouldn't listen to yourself right away…
So I meet her for breakfast. She came to my house. To my city. It was exhausting. I wish that was the end of the story.
But I agreed to meet her again. I found myself in a kind of friendship involuntarily. The kind that wasn’t close, but was trying or pretending to be, the kind that didn’t flow naturally. The kind that felt like wearing the wrong dress size. But I kept it on for a while. Not logically 'knowing' what was wrong, but my gut knew.
And soon, I would find out the reason why.
He came into my life quietly. On Instagram. Where I met a lot of my friends in the last few years after moving country. It's just so easy. Another unsuspecting follow. Another DM. A weekend together. Exhausting and weird.
Yet again, I ignored the feeling of wearing a dress size that's too small for me, that felt like I couldn't breathe in it. Because he was nice, because my brain couldn't find a reason, other than 'that' feeling. I thought he was just my very reserved and awkward friend.
Then one night he touched me. Kissed me. We were both sad. It was all blurry. So I stopped it. He kept kissing me. And pushed. Slowly. Gently. Consistently. All my inner alarm bells started ringing. I ignored them. A few months later I would find out what huge-sized mistake that was.
She lied through her teeth. In the face of written evidence, text messages and emails, she made up a new story, ignoring the agreement between us. She used skilful, manipulative language. “If you're sure that this happened” - even though we were both looking at the written evidence that it happened. Instead she insisted on a lie there was zero evidence for.
I had to sent screenshots to friends and ask them to read it, because I wasn't sure what was real anymore. That's when they told me I was dealing with a manipulative narcissist. I couldn't see it. I still believed maybe it was all my fault - even though I was staring at the fucking evidence in front of me.
She exited my life with a bitter taste of deceit. One of the worst I've ever experienced, when I thought my heart couldn't hold anymore grief.
He told one lie I found out about. Maybe another one. The worst lie was that he called himself my friend. He even said I love you, that one time. But he treated me like he hated me. Pushed my boundaries. Always gently. Always subtly.
And because I'm brave and not subtle at all, I asked questions. Until one day he became a ghost. Very subtly, again, that was his specialty. No truth, no clarity, no courage. Always subtle. Just enough words so you cannot blame him because, 'I told you' and just enough vagueness to keep the door open. Keep causing harm. Keep everyone confused.
And when I asked the last question I would ever ask him, he just stared at me with big eyes. In silence. He had no words. No accountability. No gentleness left. Not even a compassionate lie. He had become a quiet fridge.
I finally understood that this was not my friend, this was someone who all along just wanted to sleep with me. That this wasn’t someone who loved me, it was someone who didn't even love himself. That this was a child in a man's body, stuck in his fear from the past ruining his present and future.
In my life I have parted ways with many friends - when I was younger, it ‘just happened’, we avoided talking about it and simply never saw each other again. There was no conflict resolution, no communication skills, because you need emotional maturity for that, which none of us had.
The older I got the more intentional my relationships have become. More nurtured. And if someone isn’t as intentional about them as me, doesn’t get excited by the prospect of growing and healing together, then I know they are not my person. There is no more ‘fading out’ relationships for me now. There is only intentionality and honest communication, whether you leave or you stay.
There are only four people in my life who have exited it in quite a devastating, disappointing and destructive way.
I like to decode where things go wrong, so I can learn from what happened. I write things down and even make tables and graphs. Don’t laugh. This is the extent to which I want to understand my own and other people’s behaviours.
I am a visual thinker.
Sometimes it’s me.
With any relationship friction I tend to ask myself all kinds of things from am I jealous? Did I say this right? Was my tone too harsh? to did I invalidate them? Did I actively listen to what they said? Sometimes the answers to these questions point back to me. Yes, I am jealous. (next questions, why? and so on…) Yes, my tone was too harsh for those circumstances. No, I didn’t listen enough.
Sometimes it’s not me.
Sometimes it’s everyone.
And sometimes people are simply dickheads who are walking, breathing weapons because of their lack of self awareness.
This is a story about the dickheads I met. And the lesson I had to learn.
I made a whole graph about the warning signs: what was the thing I missed / ignored with all of them? What did I not pay attention to that I can look out for next time? What did they all have in common? (apart from me, and yes I am going to address that as well)
Turns out there were a few major commonalities they all shared. These are no hard-and-fast rules for relationships. They are my personal experience. My gut feeling will react differently from yours based on my personal history. So this is no universal blanket statement - however, it is stuff to pay attention to.
And personally, I am ingraining them into the fabric of me, for future reference.
Emotional exhaustion
Our very first meeting felt clunky, uneasy, awkward.
The conversation did either not flow at all and I had to carry most of it - or they talked so much and offloaded on me, trying to be interesting without being interested.
Meeting a new friend can feel awkward at first so I was trying to really decode what the exact feeling I had was. It was more than awkwardness - it felt draining. That was the biggest indicator that something was off: I was exhausted after meeting them the first time. Instead of being excited to get to know them more or feeling energised, I left feeling empty and tired.
They pursued me but I was not excited
After meeting them the first time, if I was being honest with myself, I felt indifferent about seeing them again.
Sometimes we might feel that way, but it’s actually because our life is full, because we are so busy and growing more relationships feels overwhelming. Decode for yourself which one you are feeling.
Even while being busy, there has to be an intrigue and genuine excitement to get to know someone. Even if you don’t speak all the time or see each other a lot.
In these cases, I wasn’t excited by the thought of getting to know them more.
But they pursued me. I went along with it ignoring my inner knowing, thinking, well they seem like a nice person and there is no logical reason not to be their friend.
They pursued me until I was hooked and then things slowly would turn.
The way they respond to conflict
With the people closest to me, we solve conflict without pettiness, without drama, we simply talk, we acknowledge, we apologise, we do better next time. Repeat.
However, all of these ex-friends responded in the same way: the way I knew from childhood, my family, the way I have taught myself not to respond over the years and the way I don’t have tolerance for anymore:
Gaslighting, changing up stories, deflecting from the issue to the other person, being defensive, they responded with avoidance: avoiding connection, accountability and communication.
Me and the shit I had not worked on
I am the obvious common factor here too. And I am the biggest warning sign. I didn’t trust myself. Even though part of me knew I was playing in the wrong places, I still entertained them. Gave them breeding ground in my life. My pattern of needing everyone to like me, of over-explaining myself, of wanting to be understood made me slide right into the trap. Because how can I explain to you I don’t want to be your friend if there is no explanation? Then you won’t understand and be upset and I need you to understand and not be upset, so I guess I will have to stay here, so nobody is upset and I am liked and we can all continue whatever this half-assed friendship is. This was me being on a high horse, not trusting that people would understand a simple ‘no thanks’, assuming that they would be upset when maybe they wouldn’t? Maybe people will actually accept a ‘no thank you’, why don’t you try and give it to them? I assumed I knew what people felt, believed or wanted without finding out first. Maybe I enjoyed the attention a little bit? Maybe I was to embarrassed to say ‘sorry, this is not for me’? This is not fair to the other person.
All of this comes from my desire to be liked and loved by everyone. Which leads to self-betrayal at the cost of belonging. Which never ends well for anyone.
All of this to say: my gut feeling knew before there was clear evidence. Way before I had words to explain it. Way before anything sad happened.
And the sad truth of the matter is, that most of the time, you can repair so much, so much hurt in relationships can be fixed - but it needs two people with emotional maturity to do that. So many friendships, relationships and marriages wouldn’t have to end or at least not end badly, if each individual would do the work to become more self aware of their own baggage, better at communicating, and better at honest boundaries. The cracks are way more painful when one or both lack in emotional maturity.
Of course, these are by no means rules that work for everyone, under every circumstance. Each individual story needs its own assessment.
There is only learning and trying, with the right people by our side. And so we move on, with our new package of lessons, we find the ones who are doing the work, who want it just as much as we do, we trust ourselves at the very first sign and we remain as honest as we possibly can on the journey, as not to hurt ourselves and others more.
x
How to pick the wrong friends
I was hesitant to test this post, since the title alone was enough to tell me it was a potential trigger, but the sense of validation of hearing a story almost exactly as my own has been this past year was worth the tears it drew. With a few key differences I could have written this and I'm sorry you have experienced it too, but so relieved to know I am not alone. I haven't begun to write my story in a format to share yet, because it is all still very raw, but I have been processing it as I went along and I hope that one I'm out of the intensity of the grief, I can look back with as much pragmatism as you have here. Xx
Thank you for your beautiful tender words Emma! Thank you for sharing this space with me. I'm so glad you braved it and read the piece and even more glad that it helped you in a small way. This isn't easy and I just hope you give yourself so much compassion and stick to the good people who want to love you. Sending you a hug ❤️